


Clarity

by orphan_account



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: 2017-2018 Season, Falling In Love, M/M, Nationals, Nerdy vincent, Olympics, Slow Burn, au where Vincent doesn't do THAT on twitter, cool nathan, damn kids cussing all the time, karen chen - Freeform, nathan chen - Freeform, or where he doesn't do a lot of thinks lbr, vincent zhou - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-04-05 02:19:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 22,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14034021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "If our love is tragedy why are you my clarity"Vincent Zhou doesn't want to be in love with Nathan Chen, but he finds himself unable to resist the fall.[I started writing this when I was young and innocent- so like Feburary-before we knew some things we now know]





	1. You are the piece of me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Vincent stands next to Nathan on the podium, he starts to feel something for him that he's never felt before. There's something about Nathan's curls, his smile, his beautiful skating that causes Vincent's heart to feel as though it could stop beating when Nathan looks at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to "Clarity" by Zedd/Foxes because it's kind of inspired this fic!

It starts when I first watch him skate. I’ve seen him before, but something about this program and this performance makes me see him in a whole new light. When I take the ice, I’m not thinking about getting gold. I know that beating him is impossible. I think about how nice the silver will feel around my neck and how much I want to stand on the podium next to him.  
That’s when I realize that I’m feeling something for him other friendship. I don’t want to touch my friends. I don’t think about how much I love to be in their arms.

  
“Hey man, that was amazing,” Nathan says to me a few hours later, after so many interviews and so many congratulations. We’re on the bus back to the hotel now. I’m stretched out on two seats, my legs hanging out into the aisle. Nathan sits across from me, laying in a similar manner. He has a glow about him, the kind you expect from the newly crowned national champion.

  
“Thanks, you killed it tonight, by the way,” I say back, hoping that he knows that it isn’t a compliment of obligation. I truly mean it. Nathan’s skating is truly magical. It doesn’t matter that he might be my biggest rival or that I’ll be chasing him for years to come. There’s something about him that I can’t help but notice.

  
But it’s then that I notice his curls, the way his smile lights up the dim bus, the way his glasses sit on his nose and make him look like a normal 18-year-old. It’s then that I notice how beautiful his slim body is, long legs stretched out much like mine. That I start to think about how his muscles look under his shirt. I shake my head. I have to stop thinking about this. Not when he’s right in front of me and I can feel my face turning red.  
He nods at me in acknowledgment and I shove my headphones in my ears, trying to force the feelings out of my head.

* * *

 

He nods to me at the gala, immersed in conversation with other skaters, all older and more successful. He’s obviously still basking in the joy of his first national title and looking forward to his first performance at worlds. He waves me over and I hesitate, trying to think of any reason why I shouldn’t do it, any excuse to avoid this situation. I spent the entire reading interviews of his, watching videos of his skating, staring at pictures of him and trying to memorize his smile.

  
That same smile was inviting me over to him now. It looked more real now, less stressed than it had been in the pictures.

  
“Hey, great job this week,” Maia Shibutani says to me, her head tilted as she looks at me.

  
“You’re gonna kill it at junior worlds, I can’t wait to watch it.” Her brother, Alex, agrees.

  
“Th-Thanks.” I manage to stutter out. “Four continents and worlds, not that you need it, but, you know, good luck.”

  
Nathan smiles at me, “I don’t know about them, but I need the luck,” he says with a nervous laugh.

  
“Oh please, quad king, you’ll be fine,” Maia says as she placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. For a second I feel jealousy rise within me, even though I know that it’s completely unfounded. Not only is there nothing go on between Nathan and Maia, but I have no claim to Nathan. No matter how much I want him to be or how confused I am about my feeling toward him, he’s not mine.

  
“We should go,” Alex says, signaling to Maia that they're going to be skating soon. “Nice to see you Vincent, we’ll be cheering you on!”

  
“I will never understand how siblings can skate together and not kill each other,” I admit to Nathan.

  
“I know, they’re something else,” He says with a laugh as he meets my eyes. It’s then that I’m sure of it. I’m sure that I’m falling for Nathan Chen. It’s then that I know in my heart that this crush is something more and that it’s not a phase or something that I can easily get rid of. It’s turning into something real. “Speaking of skating, how do you actually feel about junior worlds?” Nathan asks me suddenly, and I’m so caught off guard that I actually tell him the truth.

  
“I’m scared.”

  
“Of what?”

  
“Of not making the podium, of falling, of failing, of not being good enough.”

  
“You could never not be good enough, Vincent.” He says to me, voice soft in reaction to the fact that I spilled my guts to him. I can’t believe I’ve admitted my worst fears about the biggest competition of my life so far, but I have.

 

* * *

 

A few hours after that conversation, and after the excitement and fanfare of the gala are long over, I hear a soft knock at my door. I put down my journal, where I had been writing about Nathan, of course. Writing is the only way I have to figure out my emotions and I was having a hard time figure out my feelings for him. I quickly hide it under my pillow.

  
When I open the door and see Nathan standing in front of me it’s like I’m dreaming.

  
“I just didn’t want to be alone right now.” he admitted to me as we both stood there on opposite sides of the doorway, “I thought you might be awake. I would have texted you but…”

  
“Come in,” I chuckled at him, standing in the doorway in a worn-out shirt of a basketball team I’ve never heard of and a pair of sweatpants that had seen better days. I wasn’t dressed any better- in flannel pajama pants and a plain black shirt on. I flop on my bed with a sigh, my head hitting the corner of my journal. I get it out from under the pillow and place it on the nightstand next to me as Nathan flops on the loveseat in my room, his feet up on the bed.

  
“I’m so jealous of your writing sometimes.” Nathan says to me, “I’ve never been good at that kind of stuff, but it just comes so naturally to you. I wish I had something like that.”

  
“You have skating,” I point out to him even though I know what he means.

  
“That’s just not the same. I mean something that doesn’t have pressure on it. Something I can do and not worry about whether or not it’s perfect.”  
“I worry all the time about whether or not my writing is perfect,” I say to him.

  
“You know what I mean, Vincent.” He groans at me and tosses a throw pillow at my head. I accept it, pulling it into my chest and wrapping my arms around it tightly. I wish I could hold Nathan like this, I think to myself.

  
“Why are you up right now?” I asked him, looking at the clock that read 1:47 a.m., “Don’t you have a plane to catch in a few hours?”

  
“I just can’t sleep.” He admitted, avoiding my eyes and rolling his neck.

  
“You already won, what do you have to be stressed about?”

  
“Can I tell you a secret?” He asks, his voice so quiet that it almost gets lost in the space between us. _Of course,_ I want to say, _tell me all of your secrets_ , _I want to know everything there is to know about you._

  
“Yeah, of always,” I say instead.

  
“I’m terrified, too.” He admits, this time he looks me straight in the eyes. His eyes are so beautiful I could get lost in them. He pushes his curls back before sighing to himself, “I’m so scared that I’ll mess up everything, Vincent. I’m supposed to be this great hope of American figure skating and it’s just so much pressure.”

  
“I’m so sorry, Nathan,” I replied. I hadn’t thought about this much. I hadn’t thought about how much the pressure of being as great as he is affecting him. The pressure must be insane.

  
“I know that I should grateful about this, but I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.”

  
“You can handle anything the world throws at you, Nathan.”

  
“So can you, Vincent.”


	2. I wish I didn’t Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Nathan's calls and texts become the highlight of his day, and he achieves things he couldn't have even dreamed about.

His performance at four continents is magical. He does everything he needs to do and lands everything he needs. Somehow, despite all the stress, despite his age and how new he is, despite the fact that he was going up again the reigning Olympic champion, he somehow comes away as the four continents champion.

\---

**Vincent:**

DUDE

THAT QUAD

  
AND THAT QUAD

  
THOSE QUADS

You do a lot of quads.

I’m live texting you, I guess?

KILLING IT, BOY.

You did really good, in case you couldn’t tell.

Congratulations

\---

I couldn’t stop myself from being silly in the messages to him. It was late and I was watching the competition live. I had to be up early, still in the midst of preparation for junior worlds coming up too soon. I knew realistically that Nathan wouldn’t be able to text me back soon, that he would be busy doing the things that champions do, but it didn’t stop me from texting him again.

\---

**Vincent:**

Also maybe actually smile.

You look like you’re having a horrible time.

Oh no, another medal, wherever will I put it?

\---

He didn’t actually look like he was having a horrible time, per say, but he sure didn’t look like someone who had just beaten the reigning Olympic champion. He had a tendency to this thing where he kept his excitement inside, with a small smile on the podium when he should have been shouting with glee.

\---

**Nathan:**

You’re a smartass, you know that?

But thanks, it means a lot.

\---

It means a lot. My words mean a lot to him. Even in the midst of the chaos of winning, Nathan had taken the time to text me back. It was a small gesture, but it made me get butterflies in my stomach.

* * *

 

I shook my arms, trying to get every ounce of stress out of my body. The action was in vain though. I was at junior worlds. I knew that this wasn’t going to be a stress-free skate, I know that I need to nail this program so that I can win, but I wasn’t expecting this amount of stress. I didn’t know how to deal with this much stress.

I can do it.

I can do this.

I can get on the podium. I can prove that I can do this to everyone. I can prove this to myself.

\---

**Nathan**

You got this.

Just breathe. Don’t get too in your head.

Just skate.

You can do this 

Good luck, Vincent.

\---

Just skate, just skate.

And I’m golden.

 

\---

**Nathan:**

THAT QUAD

  
JUMPJUMPJUMP

  
LOOK AT YOU

  
WORLD JUNIOR CHAMPION

  
WORLD

  
JUNIOR

  
CHAMPION

  
Congratulations, bro. You deserve this.

\---

I laugh as I read his messages in the dark light of my hotel room. My phone had died before I had a chance to see them, but I’m almost glad I got to read them now, alone, away from the prying eyes of other skaters or the harsh lights. In this moment, I was allowed to just read these texts from the boy who I might be falling for. I was allowed to feel everything that the idea of him watching my skate made me feel. I looked at my phone, realizing that the time difference means that Nathan is probably awake right now getting ready to head to the rink to train for worlds in a few weeks. In a moment of uncharacteristic impulsivity, I call him, eager to hear this voice on the other side of the phone.

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping” Nathan asks as he picks up the phone. His voice is rough and tired, meaning he’s probably still laying in bed. I almost blush as I think of him in bed, curled up in his blankets talking to me. “Didn’t you just win something big?”

“Nah, just a junior world championship.”

“Oh right, no big deal.”

“Yeah totally, just an everyday occurrence.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“So I’ve been told, mostly by you.”

“But seriously- shouldn’t you be sleeping? What time is it there anyway?” Nathan sounds like he’s so concerned about me.

“I don’t have to compete tomorrow, does it really matter if I wake up at a reasonable hour?”

“Probably yeah.” He laughs at me, and I can feel the butterflies in my stomach grow. His laugh might just be the most beautiful sound in the world, especially when I know I’m the one who caused it. “Congratulations again. It’s about time the US have another junior champion, and I’m pretty glad it’s you.”

“Yeah, I’m just working my way up so that I can beat you.”

“Not a chance, Zhou.” he says, the competitive edge coming out in his voice.

“I’m going to skate on the senior level next year internationally, Chen, I’m coming for your titles.” _I’m coming for you,_ I think to myself, _I don’t want your titles or your records, I want you._

“Good luck, you’ll need it.” He laughs, but not in a mocking way or a mean way. Instead, it was a nice way. It made me feel like I was in on the joke. “I need to get up, you need to go to bed.”

“You’re right.” I admitted with a sigh. I never wanted this phone call to end.

“Goodnight, Vincent.”

“Good morning, Nathan.”

* * *

 

I can’t tell if it’s his boots or his brain that causes Nathan to mess up at worlds. Maybe it’s a combination of both, maybe it’s neither. Maybe it’s the immense pressure that’s causing him to fold in on himself and skate like this.

\---

**Vincent:**

I’m so sorry, Nathan.  

Worlds wasn’t great, but there’s always next year.

There’s always the Olympics.

There’s always the Grand Prix.

And you still have Four Continents.

You did so good, even on your worst day, Nathan.

You have so much potential.

You’ve already accomplished so much.

You did great, Nathan.

You’ll do better next year.

\---

 **Nathan** :

You’re ridiculous.

But thanks.

You don’t know how much you helped me.

\---

**Vincent:**

You okay?

\---

His call wakes me up out of nowhere. I don’t have to look at the caller ID to know who’s on the other side of the phone.

“Nathan, you okay?” I ask, my voice rushed with concern.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He says, and that tells me everything. He’s not good. He’s okay. He’s not falling apart, but he’s okay. He’s okay. “I don’t know what happened today, I just...fell apart.”

“You didn’t fall apart, Nathan, you were amazing. You just had a bad day.”

“I had a bad day at the worst time.”

“But it was just a bad day, it was just one competition, Nathan. You’re still Nathan Chen. You’re still the quad king.”

“I feel like I let everyone down. The country, the US figure skating association, my family, Raf,” He’s so sad right now, “you” he adds on, so quietly that he probably thinks I can’t hear it. The comment makes me forget how to breathe. Nathan was anything but a disappointment in my book. He was utter perfection to me. 

“You didn’t let anyone down.” I reply to him after a moment, taking time to catch my breath and formulate my thoughts into coherent sentences. “You’re still one of the top skaters in the world and you’re still so young. You’re going to have so many chances to redeem yourself.”

“Thanks, Vincent. Sorry for waking you up. I don’t even know what time it is here, muchless there. I just...needed to talk to someone.” Nathan says, although I hope that what he means is that he needed to talk to me. “I should really go, thanks for this.”

“Anytime, Nathan.” I reply, hoping that he doesn’t know how much I really, truly mean that. I would drop everything to be there for him, day or night, no matter what.


	3. Chasing Relentlessly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late night talks and other shenanigans in Room 102 at Champs Camp.

\---

**Nathan:**

When are you getting to champs camp?

And who are you rooming with?

Okay, I just realized you might be flying

But I’m texting you anyway?

I’m in room 102, find me when you get here.

\---

**Vincent:**

I’m here.

\---

As I register at champs camp, I can't help but smile as I see my room assignment. They hadn’t told us our roommates before, but I know exactly who I'm going to see when I walk into my room. As I unlocked the door to room 102, I’m not surprised at all to see Nathan sitting on the other bed in the room, I am surprised that he’s shirtless, with his boxers sticking out of the top of his black joggers that hung low on his perfect hips. His hair is wet, indicating that he had showered right before I walked. I both dreaded and relished this moment. Shirtless Nathan is everything that I need it to be. He’s beautiful, with strong muscles and not an inch of fat on him. For a second, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I knew he was fit, but this was just insane.

 

“Sorry, I would have put on a shirt if I had known…” Nathan said, reaching into his suitcase to grab a clean shirt. I savor this moment before he puts his shirt on.

 

“Is your workout routine, like, lifting Raf or something Nathan?” I ask with a giggle, trying to cover the red on my face by lugging my bags into the room.

 

“Mostly Adam or Mariah, they're a little lighter.” Nathan jokes as he tugs his new shirt on.

 

“Oh yes, I’m sure. Bench pressing smaller humans seems easier.”

 

“Not all of us have writing, some of us normal people have to resort to physical activities like running or working out.”

 

“I work out!” I say, a little too defensively. I know I’m not as fit as Nathan, and I’m more twig like than muscular.

 

“I’m sure you do.” He says with a giggle. We both know that Nathan is more motivated by the athletic components to figure skating. I love the athleticism and the jumps just as much, but the artistry and the storytelling is what originally drew me into the sport. It’s why I do what I do, why I pick the songs that I and write the poems and prose that I do.

 

“Whatever, you might be stronger, but I’m still taller.”

 

“By an inch!”

 

“Still taller and it’s not like you’re growing any time soon.” Nathan rolls his eyes at me before throwing one of the pillows on his bed at me.

 

“Whatever, what are your programs this year?” I ask, realizing that I didn’t know and that I would give anything to move away from the idea of shirtless Nathan. It's too tempting for my brain. Nathan and I hadn’t talked much during the off-season, both us were too focused on working hard to prepare for the upcoming season.

  
“Nemesis by Benjamin Clementine for the short and music from Mao’s Last Dancer for my free.” Nathan replies, “I’m super pumped about it, the choreography for them is really great, I’m just hoping I’m actually good enough to do them.”

 

“What do you mean?”

“I’m just scared they’re too intense or too modern or too cool or something. I’m just not sure, I’m looking forward to the feedback.” he sighed, flopping us his tiny twin bed. His arms spilled over the sides of the bed and all I wanted to do was hold his hand in mine and feel the calluses on his fingers and the lines on his palm. “What about you? What are your programs?”

 

“Moulin Rouge for the free, chasing cars for the short.”

 

“Moulin Rouge? That’s some heavy music for a 16-year-old to skate to.”

 

“Yeah well, I’m not exactly an ordinary 16-year-old, now am I?” I ask him with a faux confidence hiding the fact that I'm terrified of this program failing, pretending to know that the very fact that I’m here at champs camp, where elite figure skaters can get feedback on their programs for the upcoming season, means that the answer is no by default.

 

“You’re anything but ordinary vincent.” He replies with a smile on his face. It's not the usual confident or cocky smile, but something more akin to a daydream. 

* * *

 

“Your programs this year are amazing, Vincent.” Nathan says in the dark of our room. It’s late, but we’ve both just gotten in from shenanigans with the other skaters. We’re not usually all gathered together like this, so we relish in the time we get to spend together like the special occasion that it is.

 

“Thanks, Nathan, yours are amazing too,” I reply as I turn my body to face his as we lay on our separate beds. His eyes shine in the dark, his smile lighting up the room. 

 

“Not as good as yours.” Nathan says with a soft smile, “I mean the amount of emotion that you put into your free skate is unbelievable. It looks so real and raw.”

 

“I just tried to put myself in the shoes of Christian, I swear I’ve watched the movie a hundred times trying to understand all of it.” I know this is only part of the reason why I'm able to portay the intense emotions contained in the program so well. I can't let the boy laying a few feet from me know that he's the other reason.

 

“But still, the fact that you can act like that,” Nathan sighs, runs a hand through his hair before laying flat on his back. “I mean, have you ever even been in love, Vincent? You’re so young but your emotions are so powerful and so amazing.”

 

“I just don’t hold anything bad, Nathan, it’s that simple. I leave it all on the ice.”

 

“You never answered the question.”

 

“What question?” 

 

“Have you ever been in love?”

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly, even though part of me was telling me to tell him it was him. I was in love with him, I yearned for him like Christian with Satine, but my love would never be returned. I was destined to be alone. “Maybe.”


	4. Still Fight It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan and Vincent lean on each other for everything...included support, and in some cases, naps.

\---

**Vincent:**

QUAD LOOP

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT

This is the first competition, dude. Chill.

FIVE QUADS

QUAD KING

WOAH

Things you just did: THAT

But seriously dude, congratulations.

That was mind-blowing.

\---

 **Nathan** :

Thanks!

I try my best to blow minds.

\---

“You just did that!” I scream into the phone. Nathan only won the US International Classic a few hours ago, but he was talking to me now. It had become a thing, I guess, to text and call each other during competitions. He was becoming a pillar of support for me, just like I was for him, a close friend where we knew we could depend on the other to be there. That doesn’t mean I still don’t catch myself staring at him when he’s not looking, or looking at his arms and think about how much I want them around me.

“I did, I did do that,” Nathan says, his voice quiet on the other side of the phone. It’s late and he’s had a long day, full of new jumps and gold medals and standing at the top of a podium again.

“You’re really not making it easy for everyone else this year, are you?”

“I guess you’ll just have to work harder to catch me now, Vince.”

“Oh, I will, trust me, Nate.”

“You’re going to be at the media summit next week, right?” He ask, voice full of hope and something else that I couldn’t quite place.

  
“Unfortunately, I don’t understand why we’re doing this stupid thing.”

“To torture us, probably.”

“I hate cameras. And interviews. This isn’t why I started skating.” I groan at him, feeling happy that I finally got to complain about skating ot someone who could truly understand it. I wasn’t as successful as Nathan, but I understood the amount of pressure on him nonetheless and I knew that he understood me too.

“At least we get fun Team USA gear again, right?”

“Oh obviously, that’s the only reason to do any of this stuff. For the clothes.”

“I have to go,” Nathan says even though I can hear in his voice that he doesn’t want to leave, “I’ll see you next week, text me when you find out your room assignment.”

* * *

 

This time when Nathan walks into the room, it’s me that’s just gotten out of the shower.

“Vincent, dude, I can’t believe they put us together again-” Nathan says as he walks into the room. His voice comes to a screeching halt as he notices me, standing there frozen in shock with a towel wrapped around my waist. “We really need to start knocking.”

“Yeah, I’ll just uh-” I stuttered over my words, struggling to find the right way to deal with this situation. I got the clean clothes I had laid out on my bed but forgot to take into the bathroom with me. I walked back in the small room, but not before I noticed that Nathan was blushing. It was light, but unmistakable. Something about this situation- about me in a towel- had made Nathan Chen blush.

“Do you like being back in Utah?” I call out to Nathan through the door, hoping to break whatever awkwardness had been between us. “I mean, this is home for you, right?”

“Home is a few towns away, but it’s close enough,” Nathan says to me wistfully, “It’s the air out here, and the mountains, you don’t get this kind of thing in California.”

“I know, the mountains here are just beautiful.” I say as I walk out of the bathroom fully dressed, “I don’t understand how people can live here and not just stop and stare at them all the time.”

“I used to just think of them as part of life,” Nathan admits to me. It looks like he had started to unpack, but now he’s just sitting on his bed staring out the window at the mountains we’re talking about, “I didn’t realize how much I’d miss Salt Lake when I moved out to LA. I get a little homesick.”

“I get what you mean,” I reply, thinking about all the nights I've spent homesick in Riverside wishing I was in Palo Alto, “There are some things you just can’t feel in Southern California.”

“It’s just not home,” Nathan spoke quietly with a sad smile on his face, his gaze still stuck out the window.

* * *

 

“Vince!” I hear Karen call out to me. I’m thankful to see a familiar face in a crowd full of skaters I don’t know well enough to sit down next to. She’s waving enthusiastically to me from a table a few feet over and I take my lunch and sit next to her. Karen is always smiling, so happy to just be here. She already has a national title and a fourth-place finish at worlds under her belt, but I can see in her tired eyes that the Olympic season is already beginning to take its toll on her. She picks at her food, having eaten most of it by now.

“How’s the media being for you?” I ask her, knowing that I’ll feel better once Karen starts talking. There’s something about her that could make a brick wall smile.

“Insane, ridiculous, kind of awful? I know I’m the national champion and all, but it feels like have more expectations out of me than my coaches or my parents. It’s kind of hurting my soul if I’m being honest”

“I know what you mean, I keep getting asked about how I’m going to overtake Nathan. They  make it sound like I’m about to break his leg or smother him in his sleep.”

“Please don’t smother me in my sleep,” Nathan’s voice says behind me. I turn to see him smiling down at me.

“So he can break your leg?” Karen questions then turns to me before he has a chance to say anything in opposition and gives me a devious smile, “I can help!”

“I now see why they call you the quiet assassin.” Nathan scoffs as he sits down beside me.

“That’s only her,” I tell him, prompting Karen to playfully swat me in the arm.

  
“Don’t mind the pressure, Karen,” Nathan changes the subject abruptly, “It just means they expect big things out of you. Same for you, Vincent. They’re only asking when you’re going to overtake me because they know that you’re capable of doing that.”

* * *

It’s not until I’m laying in bed that night, listening to the even, quiet breathing on Nathan on the other side of the room that I realize the weight of his words. _They’re only asking when you’re going to overtake me because they know that you’re capable of doing that._ Nathan Chen, the great hope of American figure skating, things that I can overcome him. Claims that he knows that I can overcome him.

I get up frantically, pulling my journal out from under my bed and moving my fatigued body from my bed to the large, comfortable loveseat in our room accompanied by a comfortable ottoman, both of which are thankfully closer to the window, providing light from the moon that I can write to. I take a spare blanket with me as I moved carefully passed Nathan’s bed. The last thing he needed was for me to wake him up this late at night. I allow myself to steal one quick glance at him. He’s beautiful as always, with his curls spread out over the pillow, his soft looking lips slightly parted, blankets thrown over him as he curls inside of it.

I start to write, the feeling of my pen on a new page helping me to sort out the feelings in my head. I don’t know what to do about this crush on Nathan that was only intensifying in strength, it’s roots growing deeper and deeper in my heart. After a few minutes though I’m at a loss for words, staring out the window at the mountains that exist outside the window.

“Vincent, what are you doing up?” Nathan whispers to me drowsily. His eyes are staring at me intently though they looked like he could fall back asleep at any moment.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up, I’m sorry,” I say to admit quietly, feeling horrible that I disturbed such beautiful looking slumber. He shook his head at me as he reached for his glasses on the bedside table before sluggishly getting out the bed. Instead of going to the bathroom, like I think, he instead joins me on the loveseat. His body is so close to mine, our shoulders and knees and hips are mere centimeters apart.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Nathan asks, clearly in reference to the mountain even though all I can think of is him. With his messy curls, his thick-rimmed glasses and tired smile, he’s the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.

“Yeah, beautiful,” I agreed, trying my best to sound like I was also talking about the mountains. Nathan sighs deeply, then leans his body against mine, his head nestled in my shoulder. He doesn’t know how the affects me, doesn’t know how much our bare arms together is giving me butterflies, how much I love the way his head seems to fit so well into the crook of my neck. I take off his glasses carefully so I don't wake him up, setting them gently on the arm of the seat. I let myself drift on like this, my breathing matching Nathan’s as I lean my head against the back of the loveseat. I could get used to falling asleep beside Nathan Chen, even if I knew that it was almost impossible we would ever find ourselves in this situation again.

As Nathan’s alarm goes off on the other side of the room, I wake up to find that he’s still sleeping next to me. In the midst of sleep, my arm had wound its way around his shoulder and his had found their way around my waist as we laid horizontally on the abnormally wide loveseat. His head rests on my chest as his hair tickles my chin. It takes all of my self-control not to reach my lips down and press a gentle kiss to his forehead. If I wasn’t so scared of waking up the beautiful boy laying on me, I know. I would have.

I get up carefully, afraid of waking him up, of having to deal with this situation. I dress in the bathroom before heading downstairs to breakfast. I don’t want to talk about this with him just yet. I don’t want him to tell me that cuddling, falling asleep together, didn’t mean anything. That it was just a fluke. But I want  more than anything to let myself live in a fantasy in which Nathan Chen could love me, in which he could fall asleep in my arms.


	5. And I Don't Know Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the media summit winding down, Vincent finds himself trying to sort out his feelings.

I take my breakfast to go, seeking a quiet place to write and sort out my emotions. I clutch my journal to my chest as I walk, as if holding it any weaker would open up it and all my secrets to the world. Eventually, I wander into a quiet courtyard, hidden away enough that I can finally be alone.

I open the notebook to a blank page and just let my emotions take control of my actions, the pen moving swiftly across the page as I try to process everything. Last night, with Nathan by my side like that, it opened up a new side of my heart and these feelings that I wasn’t expected. It’s as if holding him in my arms makes me realize everything that I could have with him, which is everything that I’ll never have. I’m not foolish enough to think that Nathan would ever date me. Even if he wasn’t straight, there’s no way he would date someone like me. I’m shy, he’s amazing. I’m a little above average, he’s amazing. I was emotional, he was stone-faced. I was barely a name within figure skating and he was one of the best men in the world. Any thoughts that he would fall for me were delusion at best, but that doesn’t mean I can’t stop and think.

Sleeping beside him had been bittersweet. It was everything I never knew I wanted to happen, even though I knew it was never going to happen again. I almost wish I had kissed him on the forehead while I had the chance. I was never going to experience something like that with him ever again.

“Why are you being so moody?” Karen asks me an hour later. She discovered my not-so-secret hiding spot and traipsed over to pull me out of my Nathan-induced funk. Her smile was brighter than the sunlight out here, but it wasn’t making me any less melancholy.

“I’m not moody, Karen, I’m a writer,” I say to her as I hold up the notebook in my hands, the page full of my thoughts. I close it quickly so she doesn’t have a chance to take a glimpse. If she did, she would see me drabbling on about the horrors of unrequited love and the pain and suffering of sharing a room with someone as earth-shatteringly wonderful as Nathan.  She would see the sentences where I didn’t hold anything back as I talked about how it felt to hold the most awe-inspiring human in the world in my arms and know that I couldn’t love him the way I wanted to.

“It’s the same thing,” Karen joked with a flip of her graceful hand, “But really, what’s going on with you? You only disappear to write in corners alone when there’s something up, Vincent.”

“I forgot you know me.” I groan at her, “I don’t want to talk about it, Karen. I just don’t. I want to talk about anything other than that. Is there anything exciting in your life that you haven’t talked to me about?”

“My life is the most boring thing.”

“Just tell me something, please.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about my Roxanne program,” she admits to me suddenly, “I’m just not sure about it. I love it, but it doesn’t feel natural. I don't know if it feels like me.”

“It’s a beautiful program, Karen.”

“But something about it just doesn’t feel like me. And if I end up going to the Olympics, I want it to be with something that I connect to on an emotional level, you know?”

“I get that, I really do.”

* * *

 

I manage to avoid Nathan for the remainder of the day. I know that I’m going to have to face him soon since we’re roommates for this trip, but I figure if I can manage to avoid him the entire day I can manage to avoid the inevitable conversation where he tells me everything I already know about last night.

As I walk in the door, I can feel myself holding my breath. Nathan is sitting on his bed with his laptop out watching something on Netflix, but he pauses it the moment his brain registers that I’m in the room. He looks shocked at his eyes roll over my body. I’m frozen in the doorway, unsure of what I’m doing.

“Hi.” I manage to get out, unsticking my feet from where they have been glued on the floor and walking toward my bed, thanking every god there is that it’s the one closer to the door so I don’t have to walk by Nathan.

“Why are you being so weird?” He asks me as I put my bad down beside the bed and sit down on it, nestling myself in the pillows, “Is this about last night? I thought it was okay, but then you left before…” He lets his voice trail off, his eyes avoiding mine at all costs as he stared down at his laptop, absentmindedly rubbing something off of the spacebar with his thumb.

“Last night was fine, Nathan.”

“Then why did you leave before I got up?” He pleads but I don’t have a sufficient enough answer for him. It’s not like I can profess my love for him right here and now without there being serious complications and a messy aftermath.

“I had to go eat breakfast, I didn’t want to be hangry.” I lie to him. We both know it’s a lie, but I can tell he’s not going to push this anymore.

“But it was fine? Last night didn’t, like, send you running for the hills or put an end to our friendship?” There he goes, using that word again. _Friendship_. I’m relegated to a life of friendship with the boy that I love. He’s an amazing friend, but I can’t help but think that he’d be an even more amazing boyfriend.

“Our friendship is fine, Nathan,” I say, trying to hold back the anger and spite from my voice as I uttered that awful word again.

“Good. I don’t know what I’d do without it sometimes.” He replies to me honestly, a small smile on his face that shows how relieved he is that I’m not ending everything because of what happened last night.

“What do you mean?” I ask as I try to distract myself from thinking about last night again.

“You help keep me grounded, Vincent, help me remember that I don’t have to be perfect all the damn time. You help me remember who I am.”

* * *

It’s a few hours later, after Nathan’s breathing has evened out and I figure that he’s long asleep that I make my way back over to the love seat I slept on last night. My journal lies open in my lap, turned to a fresh new page just waiting to be filled with my thoughts. Just as about to put pen to paper, I hear a slight rustling behind me as Nathan stretches in his bed. I hear him moan as he does so, the joints in back cracking as he flexes his sore muscles.

“Are you writing about her?” He asks sleepily, a hint of something I can’t quite place in his voice. It almost sounds like anger, maybe envy. It’s something negative meant at this her who I have no idea what he means by.

“What her?” I ask Nathan, even though I know I should be letting him sleep.

“The her, the her you’re in love with.”

“No,” I said with rolling eyes, “I’m not writing about the person I’m maybe in love with.”

He smiles as he falls back asleep and I’m left wondering why he would care if I had been writing about a girl I was in love and if he would care still if he knew the person I was in love with was him.


	6. If our love is tragedy

**Nathan:**

QUADQUADQUAD

If I’m the quad king, you’re the quad prince

Seriously, that was amazing. 

You killed it today. 

I can’t wait for your free! 

\---

**Vincent:**

Shouldn’t you be practicing? 

Don’t you have the Japan Open tomorrow?

Don’t you have better things to do than watch the Finlandia short programs? 

\---

**Nathan:**

There’s no better way to spend my time than watching you skate. 

\---

My face lights up at the message from Nathan. I can feel that message in my bones, in my heart, in my soul. I throw my phone to the side, letting my body stretch with glee on my small hotel bed. 

“Someone’s happy,” Adam says next to me. I was so entranced by the idea of Nathan watching me skating that I forgot that he was even in the room with me. 

“Just in a good mood.” I tried to play it off, like me randomly bursting into a crazy smile was a completely normal life experience. Adam, clearly, was not having this. He reached for my phone before I even had the chance to stop him. 

“Nathan?” His eyebrows raised as he realizes every implication of my smile and that text. He knows. There’s no stopping it, no denying it, he knows. He’s the first to know, other than me and my trusty journal. “Nathan.” 

“Nathan,” I confirm to him reluctantly. I snatch my phone back from him quickly, exiting out of the conversation before Adam has a chance to scour over our every text. His face softens, his usual sass fading away from his body as he sits his body down across from me. 

“You like him?” He whispers to me as if speaking it any louder would break the secrecy of the moment. 

  
“I think…” I start, trying to figure out the words that feel so uncomfortable in my mouth. I haven’t admitted them out loud before, haven’t bothered to say the words that I know in my heart to be true, “I think...I love him? I might be...in love with him?” 

“Have you ever felt this way about a boy before?” 

“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before,” I admitted to him, surprised by how easy it is to admit these things that to Adam. Suddenly I’m hit with a wave of emotions, my eyes threatening to spill over with tears. I try to speak again, try to tell him more about my feelings Nathan, but my voice gets caught in my throat. 

“Oh, you little baby gay,” He moves his body from his bed to mine, pulling my face into his chest as I fall towards his as his weight makes a dip in the mattress. “I know this is hard, I know that falling in love for the first time is terrifying and exciting and beautiful and electric.”

“He doesn’t feel the same way.” I say, my voice once again caught in my throat, “He’ll never feel the same way, I’m just stuck with this unrequited love just weighing on me.”  

“You don’t know that, sweetie. You just don’t. You’ll never know how he feels until you tell him.” 

“I can’t tell him,” I say to Adam in disbelief, “Losing him as a friend would be even worse than loving him without him loving me in return.”

* * *

 

\---

**Vincent:**

Team North America might have lost, but Nathan Chen won. 

Seriously, dude, I don’t know how you do it. 

Your competition schedule is mind-blowing and you’re always on top of it. 

\---

**Nathan:**

Were you watching the same comp I was in? 

I got second, bro. 

That’s a silver medal. 

Aren’t you already a high school graduate or something? 

Aren’t you supposed to be smarter than me? 

\---

**Vincent:**

You won in my book. 

You got second to Javier Fernandez, a 2-time world champion. 

That’s acceptable since you’re 18 and still learning. 

I am smarter than you, that’s how I know I’m right about this.

\---

* * *

 

“Don’t you have a major competition today?” Nathan’s voice is harsh but caring on the other side of the phone. 

“I had a small break, I just wanted to hear your voice,” I admitted to him. It was true, I had a small respite from the action and I was hiding away in a small alcove of the rink, just far enough from the chaos that I felt comfortable enough to call him.

“Nervous?” 

“Terrified.” 

“You can do this, Vincent. You’re so amazing, you’re such a beautiful skater, your Moulin Rouge program is breathtaking. It’s going to woo the crowds at Finlandia, now go kill it, I’ll be watching.” 

This one short call was everything I needed to hear. I needed to know that he was watching me, that he would see me give this program my all and leave my heart out there on the ice. 

_ This story is about...love _

I let myself think about him, let myself think about the perfect curls, his beautiful smile, the way he throws his entire body into his quads so effortlessly 

_ The greatest thing you’ll ever know is just to love and be loved in return _

I won’t ever get that from him, but as I do the dramatic spread eagle, I let myself think about it. 

I land my jumps, a few with my hands down, but I’m feeling good about this program. 

Another successful quad, another successful jump sequence. Another image of Nathan’s smile, laughing with me. 

I mess up the jump, but it’s okay. It’s okay, because he’s watching on another continent, and he’ll reassure me with his words. 

_ But I’ll love you until the end of time.  _

I just might. 

The jump sequence isn’t as perfect as I need it to be, but I still go into the last pain feeling triumphant. I did it. It doesn’t matter if I don’t get gold if they mispronounce my name if my jumps weren’t perfect. 

I put everything out on the ice. I did everything I could. I’m doing everything possible to prove to the US figure skating association that I was capable of standing my own at the Olympics. I might only be 16, but I’m not a normal 16-year-old. 

\---

**Nathan:**

QUAD

HOLY FUCK DUDE

THAT WAS AMAZING

I CAN’T EVEN

DUDE

WOAH

GO YOU

That program was amazing. 

I can’t believe how much emotion you put into that. 

You have more emotion in your pinky than I do in my entire body.

It’s breathtaking.

That was just beautiful, Vincent.

250

SILVER 

YOU GOT SILVER

CONGRATULATIONS VINCENT

\---

**Vincent:**

Thanks Nathan 

\---

* * *

 

“I sent you a damn novel and all I get is ‘thanks, Nathan’ and nothing else?” Nathan’s voice is almost angry when I pick up the phone. 

“I was a little busy today winning medals.”

“Yeah, whatever, two words? I am hurt. I am heartbroken. I don’t know if I can forgive you for this horrible insult.” He’s laughing by the end of the sentence, losing the serious edge in his voice quickly. His laugh is so beautiful, especially in contrast to his faux angered voice. “But seriously, great job. That performance was amazing, Vincent.”

“Thanks, Nathan, it really means a lot to me.” 

“I was watching it with Karen, Mirai and Jeremy and you made the girls cry.” 

“I what?” I ask in disbelief. I’ve known them both for years, I wasn’t expected to make them cry ever with my skating. 

  
“They just kept blubbering about how hard you’ve words and how beautiful your skating is and Karen said something about this program being perfect because you’re a moody writer and exactly like Christian.” 

“I am not exactly like Christian!” I try to argue, but I know that I am similar to him in some ways, at least in the way that all writers are. 

“Oh please, you have the whole moody emotional writer thing down, now you just need a starcrossed lover.”  _ You,  _ I want to tell him,  _ I’m so in love with you.  _

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen,” I say to Nathan with a laugh as the door to the hotel room creaked open. Adam carefully pops his head in and I nodd at him, signalling that this call isn’t private or important. “Adam just came in, let me put you on speaker and you can say hi.” 

“ADAM!” Nathan’s voice comes screaming through the speaker moments after it had been taken away from my ear. “Congrats on the bronze, you looked like you were about to take the arena clubbing in that short program.” 

“Nathan, my son, thank you.” He’s so genuinely excited to talk to Nathan that it brings a smile to my face. Something about their friendship is always like this and I can’t stop myself from being envious, “How’s Japan? How’s the food? How’s your shiny silver?” 

“Everything’s good, how’s Finland?” 

“Cold, very cold.” 

“Well, it’s Finland.” Nathan deadpans, and I think Adam would politely punch him on the arm if he isn’t in another continent.

* * *

 

“You should tell him,” Adam says to me out of nowhere, “Nathan doesn’t call just anyone when he’s focused. When he’s competing, he’s competing. He can usually only manage to send a few texts with condolences or congratulations. The fact that he’s going out of his way to change that for you says a lot.” 

“It says that we’re friends.” 

“Friends who cuddle?” Adam asks with an eyebrow raise and I shoot up from my sitting position on my bed. “Nathan told me about it at the media summit because I asked him why he was so stiff in the morning. He said he fell asleep in the loveseat, but I knew that homeboy was hiding something and I pushed until he broke.” 

“It was a fluke, he was just tired.” 

“I don’t know about that.” Adam says with a hint of stubborness in his voice, “He didn’t say anything to me, he just about bolted after he told me, but something about his face made me think it was more than a fluke.” 


	7. Why are you my clarity?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the grand prix season in full swing, Vincent and Nathan support each other through their competitions.

He’s beautiful at Rostelecom. As he takes his opening position, I can’t help but focus on how perfectly his dress shirt hangs on him When he lands his quad lutz-triple toe in his short program, I know that we’re in for a treat. The program is everything he needs it to be. It shows his strengths perfectly- he’s modern, he’s clean, he’s strong, he’s a technically and artistically beautiful skater

**\---**

**Vincent:**

Congratulations, bro.

You need to get your costumes.

You make spread eagles look so cool

That program was so cool and unique.

100 CLUB

\---

His call comes through a few hours later when he’s probably returned to his hotel room after the hubbub of practice and the high of the short program. I, on the other hand, still stuck in America, am at practice. I nearly fall on the ice as I hear my phone go off, praying that it’s who I think it is. Karen smiles at me from across the rink as I grab my phone and continue skating as if she knows what’s up but is too nice to say anything about it.

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping.”

“I have no idea. What time is it in Russia.” He asks through a yawn. I don’t have to see him to know that he’s probably laying in bed curled up in the sheets with his eyes closed, waiting until my voice is gone to fall asleep.

“Late, probably. It’s noon here.”

“Shit dude, I’m sorry. Are you at the rink?”

“Yeah, I’m just stroking taking a break right now, just a few laps around the ice,” I say to him in attempt to be casual as I pass Karen, who is practicing her spins at the moment. I’m trying my best to halt the goofy smile that is threatening to spread across my face and make my feelings about the person on the other side of the phone obvious. Not that Karen knew who was on the other side of this phone, but I wasn’t going to risk it. Adam knowing about this was more people that I want to know.

“Don’t let me distract you.” He whines at me. It's the tone in his voice, like something is just off within him, that lets me know something is bothering him.

“You could never be a distraction. What’s bothering you?”

“I just...I don’t feel like I deserve to be in the lead.”

“Nathan you skating your short amazingly, what do you mean you don't’ deserve to be in the lead”

“I mean it feels wrong, Yuzuru was off of his game and I skated perfectly, it just doesn’t seem fair. I can’t even do my triple axel and I still have a lead over him.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“It just doesn’t feel like I earned this.”

“You did. Yuzuru fell, you didn’t. You’re in first, he isn’t. Take the lead and go prove that you’re a champion in your free skate.”

“I just don’t feel like a champion.”

“You are a champion. Now go to sleep and stop being stupid.”

“Okay, okay. Hope you have a better day than I had.”

“Goodnight Nathan,” I say to him before the line goes dead. For a second, I’m just standing on the rink thinking about him. He’s probably laying in his bed halfway across the world feeling the immense pressure of all of the expectations on him right now. He’s always so hard on himself. If he messes up on jump he’ll train it to death until the next competition so it’s impossible for him to mess it up. His work ethic is admirable, if not concerning. Karen gave me a knowing smile as I place my phone back on the boards.

* * *

\--- 

**Vincent:**

Did you just

You did

You beat Yuzuru Hanyu

You beat the Olympic Champion

In an Olympic year.

You did that.

YOU DID THAT

Congratulations on another medal.

Wherever will you put it?

\---

**Nathan:**

I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED.

I CAN’T

THAT HAPPENED

I DID THAT

I DID THAT???

\---

* * *

 “I did that!” He screams as he calls me a few hours later. Once again, it’s late in Russia but midday in Riverside, so I’m skating around the almost empty, aside from Karen and I, rink with my phone in my hand and a smile on my face, trying to not let on how much I love being one of the people Nathan calls after he wins.

“Congratulations, Rostelecom Cup 2017 Champion,” I greet him excitedly. With how happy I am, you would think that I was the one who won. But something about watching him get everything he wants in life that makes me feel ecstatic for him.

“Never call me that again.”

“Okay, reigning four continents champion.” I tease him. He groans at me on the other side of the world.

“Are you talking to Nathan?” Karen asks as she appears behind me on the ice, her skates now even with mine. I hope that she missed my smile when I answered the phone, or the way my heart skips a beat when she says his name.

“Oh, uh, yeah.” I struggle with the sentence, stuttering over the simple words. She gives me a strange look as she pulls the phone from my fingers. I’m left standing there, empty hands but full heart as presses phone to her own ear.

“Hey brother, heard you’re being successful or something?”

I can’t hear his response, but I know it’s probably something sarcastic as I hear her laugh, her smile causing her eyes to crinkle at the edges in such a uniquely cute way. I laugh too, despite the fact that I can’t hear the joke because there’s just something about Karen’s happiness that it always contagious.  
“Yeah well congratulations, I’ll give the phone back to Vincent now,” She waits a minute as Nathan says his goodbyes to her. She rolls her eyes at me as I accept the phone from her.

“I should probably get going, I just wanted to say thanks.” He says after a second. I can hear the hesitation in his voice like he doesn’t want to hang up on me but that there are too many things pulling the attention away from the call for the both of us that continuing it wouldn’t be smart.

“What do you have to thank me for?”

“For telling me to stop being so stupid last night. I was totally in my own head about everything and you helped me pull myself out of that. I don’t know if I could have done this without you.”

* * *

 ---

**Nathan:**

QUAD LUTZ TRIPLE TOE

That jump combo is always so huge.

Oh no.

I’m so sorry, Vincent.

That wasn’t your best, but you can come back.

Your free skate is so strong.

Are you okay?

\---

* * *

 

When I finally get back to my room, it’s late. I know that it’s earlier in California and that Nathan is probably just getting up, but I can’t help it as my hands reach for my phone to call him. It feels like everything is just out of reach for me. Like I'm doomed. Like my own body and brain are sabotaging me. It’s like I keep grasping for the podium, my fingertips every so often brushing it and then being thrown back down. Today was bad. Cup of China is bad. 

I'm bad. 

“I’m not okay right now,” I admit to him the moment he picks up.

“Remember what you said to me after worlds?”

“No, tell me?”

  
“You told me that it was just one bad day, just one bad competition. I was still me. You told me that I’ll do better next time.”

“Yeah but you were 6th at worlds, I’m 8th at Cup of China. The situations are different.”

“Yeah, you still have a chance to make a comeback. Your free skate is your strongest program, it’s one of the best there is. If you can nail that, you can do anything.”

“But-”

“You’re Vincent Zhou. You’re the junior world champion, you’re already thriving on the senior level at 17. You’re amazing, one competition isn’t going to change that.”

“But-” I start to argue with him but it’s in vain as he starts to talk over me again.

  
“But nothing, Vincent. Stop being stupid and skate lights out tomorrow. I'll be watching and supporting from Cali.”

* * *

 ---

**Nathan:**

That’s what I’m talking about!

Best performance of the night, in my opinion. 

You did amazing. 

\---

 

**Vincent:**

I still fell.

I’m still in 4th.

\---

  **Nathan:**

So what?

You did everything you could.

You gave that performance your all.

You did everything right.

And you’re still getting better.

So stop being stupid and enjoy this.

\---

* * *

 “Didn’t I tell you to stop being stupid?” Nathan asks the moment he picks up his phone.

“How do you know I’m being stupid?” I asked even though I knew that he knew. He didn’t have to see me, didn’t have to hear me, could tell from a whole continent away that I was still wallowing in my own self-pity over my subpar performances at this competition.

“I know.” his voice was solemn as he said those words, “I know you, so stop beating yourself up about this.”

“I can’t help it.”

“Fine, stop thinking you can’t do any better then.”

“What-”

“I know how you think, Vincent. I know that you’re thinking that you don’t know where to go from here, that you’re not good enough to compete against the best in the world. But you are. You’re the only person who can’t see how goddamn amazing you are.” he pauses and I can tell he’s regretting his little outburst. I’ve never heard him speak with that much emotion in my his voice, and it causes tears to well up in my eyes. “You’re an amazing skater, Vincent, you’re capable of being the best in the world if you would just...let yourself.”

* * *

 I wake up to the sound of a phone ringing and I don’t even question who would call me at this hour. It’s Nathan, of course, probably yelling at me for something or calling to get advice on his own problems. He never calls this late without having a reason. At least, it's late here. I don't know what time it is in France, where I'm at my second Grand Prix event of the season. 

“Stop being stupid,” He says to me quickly.

  
“How did-”

“Romain told me you were being moody and weird at practice. Why did Romain have to tell me that you were being moody and weird? Why wouldn’t you tell me you were feeling moody weird?”

“I’m not being moody and weird.” I try to defend myself even though I know that he’s right, that Romain is right. I haven’t felt right since Cup of China. It feels like something in my head has shifted slightly, leaving me feeling off my game and off my balance at the same time.

“Are you still upset about Cup of China?”

“Maybe a little,” I admit to him before I have a chance to regret it or attempt to take it back, “Just thinking too hard about everything.”

“Do you want to talk about it.”

“I’m just scared of not making the Olympic team.”

“You’re 17, and you’re an amazing skater. Even if you don’t make this Olympic team, you’ll make 2022.”

“You don’t know that, Nathan, this might be my only shot.”

  
“It won’t be.”

\---

**Nathan:**

It’s just one competition.

It’s just one day.

It’s just one bad day.

\---

**Vincent:**

It’s more than that.

I’m giving Team USA a hundred reasons not to take me to the Olympics.

\---

**Nathan:**

You’ve already given them hundreds of reason why they should.

\---

**Nathan:**

Are you okay?

* * *

 I don’t know what’s going through my head. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be feeling. I know that I’m scared, that I’m unsure of everything. I’ve worked my entire life for this, and it feels like I just keep throwing away the chances. Every single time I have the opportunity to prove myself I wind up right back at the bottom.

When I get off the ice the only thing I want to do is go home. Not to my hotel, but home. I want my cat and my bed and someone where I won’t get looks of pity. I settle for the hotel room and lock myself away. After the disaster that this event was, the only thing I need to do is write.  
I can feel my future slipping through my fingers. I know that putting pen to paper and letting my brain finally let go of the stress that has been eating away at me is the smartest decision. I stay there, with my pen running rampantly across pages, filling them with my thoughts before the loud ringing of my cell phone interrupts the magical trance.

When I see his name, I almost don’t pick up. I almost don’t want to pick up, even though every muscle in my body wants to be with him. I don’t know if I can handle hearing his perfect voice telling me all these nice things, trying to gild over my mistakes with his own exaggerated compliments meant to lighten the pressure on my shoulders.

“You never told me if you were okay,” he tells me when I pick up, his voice is heavy with emotion, of the things left unsaid weighing on his mind, of the pain he feels for me. 

“I don’t know if I am,” I admit to him honestly. It’s quiet in my room and I’m so thankful for the fact that Team USA gave me a solo room. I was allowed to be alone with my thoughts...and my phone calls. I wrap the blankets around my body, curling into the warmth of them and wishing they were his arms.

“Everything is going to work out. Everything is going to be okay.”

“I’m failing, Nathan. I’m failing.”

“You’re not failing,” He sighs, clearly exasperated by the burden of being my friend. I know that it’s hard to take on the mental health of someone else, but he does it without thought so often that I hadn’t taken a moment to think. “It’s your first year on the senior level internationally, there’s bound to be a bit of an adjustment period.”

“There wasn’t for you,” I reply without thinking. He’s the yardstick for American men to measure their success against. I was expected myself to live up to the standards he had raised, but his genius had set the bar far too high. I couldn’t even see it at this point.  
“You shouldn’t compare yourself to me, Nathan. You just shouldn’t. You’re such a better skater than me, you’re just still fine-tuning everything a little bit.”

“I’m not a better skater than you-”

“I couldn’t do your Moulin Rouge program if my life depended on, Vincent. The emotion required would suck the life out of me and I would fall flat on my face on the jump sequence in the last, what, second of the program? You’re such a technically gifted skater and you have so much power and artistry in your skating. You’re the only person who doesn’t see how amazing you are.”

I hear a laugh in the background and feel envy boiling up inside me until I hear an all too familiar voice, quiet enough that Nathan probably thought the phone wouldn’t pick up on it.

  
“My sweet child, stop talking to your boyfriend and focus on practice.”


	8. If our love's insanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Vincent talks Nathan through his nerves before Skate America, Karen finally gets Vicent to confront his feelings.

“Are you nervous about Skate America?” I ask the curly haired boy on the other side of the phone. It’s an odd set up we have going right now, with the both of us skating and video chatting rather than calling in the middle of the night. It feels safer to me almost, like the rush of competition won’t make me admit something that I’ll later regret. 

“Terrified. Winning Rostelecom was good for my confidence and I feel really good about the program, but I’m still terrified.” 

“It’s not like you’re going to not qualify for the final, what do you have to be scared of?” 

“Messing up, falling, spiders, failing, getting injured.” he’s rambling on and on, the words coming out of his mouth so quickly that I don’t register the unusual addition until he’s zoomed past it and onto the next unfounded fear. 

“Spiders?” I question him, causing him to stop the ramble mid-word and stare at me through the phone. 

“Spiders are terrifying, Vincent. They have a lot of legs, they’re really fast, they come out of nowhere.” 

“But spiders? You’re scared of spiders at Skate America?”

“I’m scared of spiders everywhere. Why do you think I feel more comfortable with knives on my feet? It’s my weapon of choice. They can’t touch me.” He’s losing it, barely getting the last few words out through his laughter. I see him lean his body against the boards of the rink, his elbows resting on the ledge to catch his breath from the bout of laughter taking him over.

It’s not like I can say anything, I’m a little short of breath due to my laughter as well. I match his position on the boards with my body, my tired muscles enjoying a brief respite from the grueling training. Karen is watching me intently from the other side of the rink, shooting me gazes that tell me she knows there’s something more than just a normal friendship between two guys going on. 

“You don’t have anything to worry about at Skate America,” I tell Nathan. He smirks at me, “Not even spiders.”

* * *

 

“What is going on with the two of you?” Karen asks me later, her skates matching the pace of my perfectly as I skate a few absentminded laps around the rink before leaving. “I saw that smile, you can’t hide this from me. Maybe everyone else, but not from me, Vincent” 

“There’s nothing going on between me and Nathan Chen.” I try to tell her even though I know my face gives away all of my emotions. When I’m happy, I’m okay with. When I’m trying to hide my love for the person who is probably my best friend, and also a boy, from someone I also consider a very close who was previously under the assumption that I was straight, it’s my own worst enemy. 

“You want there to be though,” her face softens as if she’s realizing the horribleness of wanting someone that you can’t have, understands the crushing sadness that comes with being so close to someone but so far from what you want in your heart. It’s now that I decide to break, that it’s okay to tell her this. She wouldn’t be asking if she didn’t care. She cares about me and about Nathan. She wouldn't do anything to hurt either one of us. 

“I don’t know,” I say to her as I run my hand through my hair and rest my exhausted body on the boards. “I don’t know anything about this.” 

“What do you mean?” She whispers to me, her quiet voice still too loud for my comfort. I’m all of the sudden aware of the people mingling around the rink, the voices echoing in and out of my ears, the numerous people who could possibly overhear this secret I’ve been keeping so close to my heart. 

“I can’t talk about this here.” I tell her as I move to leave the ice.

“You have to talk to someone about it. Talk to me, Vincent, please talk to me.” She begs me to open up the gates that I’ve kept closed for so long. I want so bad to open up and pour all of it out to her, so bad I didn’t even realize it until I had the option. 

“Let’s go somewhere else.” 

“I know just the place.” She says, then leads me to her car. Just like her, it’s perfect. A little sensible four-door something with a bright blue air freshener and IceTown parking past on the mirror. It’s shockingly clean, although that’s not surprising. 

“Where are you taking me?” 

“Just talk to me in the car while I drive you home.” 

“My mom was going to come pick me up.” I begin to argue, but realize it’s useless. When Karen has her mind stuck on something, she gets it one way or another. “I’ll just text her and tell her not to anymore.” 

“Good,” She says as she puts the car in reverse and pulls out of the parking spot. Her precision is perfect even while driving. 

“I like him.” I admit to her, the words feeling like an understatement the minute they leave my mouth, “I think...I think I might love him?” 

“But you don’t think he feels the same way?” She asks quickly, not taking a second to think over my confession. 

“He’s straight, Karen. As in doesn't like boys. Only likes girls. That doesn’t bode well for a relationship.” I point out the obvious to her as she side eyes me, still focused on driving but giving me the sass she thinks I need. 

“You don’t know that for sure,” She says confidently, “You don’t know unless you tell him.”

“He-” 

“ _ Sexuality is a spectrum _ .” She replies to me in a little singsong voice. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Vincent:**

I’m really tired of no one understanding your opening 

You fall off the screen every single time.

QUAD LUTZ TRIPLE TOE

Flawless quad flip as per usual 

You landed your nemesis.

(Get it. Nemesis) 

I’m funny.

SO LONG, EVERYONE ELSE. 

Nathan Chen is HERE

THAT SCORE

WOO BOY

\---

**Nathan:**

Oh my god that happened. 

I did that? 

I did that. 

Okay. 

I so didn’t land that axel right. 

But still.

Thanks, Vincent. 

\---

It’s late when I’m phone goes off. I know it’s late for him too. I pick up immediately because there’s no one else who would calling me right now.

“Today was bad,” is all he has to say and I’m there. I want more than anything to hug him, tell him he’s great, do something other than sitting here, thousands of miles away from and only able to offer him my words. 

“You’re in the lead, Nathan, by a lot.”    
“I just don’t feel good. I think I’m sick.” He does sound sort of awful, like more energy than usual is drained of him after today. 

“You have such a lead in the short right now, I don’t think skating sick is going to change that.” 

“I guess.” he sighs, and I can almost see the look on his face right now, “I just don’t know, something doesn’t feel right.” 

“Ignore it.” I reply to him, confidence in my voice as I tell him to avoid his problems. It might not be the best strategy, but it always works for me. “Ignore and keep doing what you’re doing.” 

His short program is even worse, with a fall on his worst jump and a heartbroken face as he gets off the ice. All I want when I see him leave is to teleport to Lake Placid and envelope him in a hug, shield his ears from the media attention, anything to stop him from hurting the way that I know he is. 

\---

**Vincent:**

I’m so sorry Nathan

I’m just so sorry

But look on the bright side

You still won. 

You’re still going to the final

You can redeem yourself there. 

**Nathan:**

I don’t know

Can I call you? 

Like, facetime you?

\---

**Vincent:**

Of course. 

\---

I answer the facetime call immediately, having spent the moment prior staring in my bathroom mirror and making sure my hair looked okay and that my shirt- a nerdy sleep shift with an Einstein quote on it- wasn’t too ridiculous. Nathan was solemn on the other side, already snuggled up in bed, his hotel room dark aside from a lone lit bedside lap. His phone is angled to match him, with large bags under his eyes that made me think he needed to sleep for days on end. 

For a second we just stared at each other. I was sitting on my bed, the covers barely over my legs as I looked at him.

“Today was very not good.” He starts, breaking the mesmerizing silence between us. I could have looked at his eyes forever. 

“You still have the final. You have time to redeem yourself on the Grand Prix circuit.” 

“I just don’t...I don’t know, Vincent, it just feels wrong.  I didn’t deserve this win.” His voice is so deflated, so empty, not unlike the Nathan I have come to know. 

“Yes, you did. You were the best skater there.” 

“I messed up so much in my free skate.” His eyebrows furrowed together in frustration like he’s so mad that he can’t get this through my head. He did mess up, but he was still so good even with that. 

“But you were amazing in your short program, you deserve that win,” I reply to him even though he starts to shake his head in frustration the moment I start to say positive things about him. 

“Nathan, are you asleep?” I hear Adam say quietly. 

“Yes, I’m sleep talking.” Nathan says immediately, his biting sarcasm bringing a smile to my face. 

“Who are ya sleep talking to?” Adam asks, his voice upbeat since he probably already knows who he’s talking to. He plops himself next to Nathan on the bed so he can see me, “Hi, Vincent. Is Nathan complaining to you?” 

“Yeah, he’s really good at that painful emo brooding thing. Gives me a run for my money.” 

“Yeah, he’s a little broody today.” Adam proceeds to take his hand and ruffles Nathan’s hair with it, smiling down at the tired boy by his side. Nathan gives Adm a soft smile that fades back into a brooding, expressionless line. When he knows the other isn’t looking, Adam simply nods at me and punctuates the action with a wink. 

I have no clue what it means. 

With Adam, it could mean anything. 

“You’re gonna be okay, Nathan.” I say to him, “You’re going to be more than okay.” 

****


	10. Why are you my clarity?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grand Prix Champion and challenges.

“How nervous are you?” I ask Nathan over facetime as he sits on his hotel room, all messy hair, tired eyes and thick glasses. 

“I might die. I’m so nervous. Yuzuru might not be here that doesn’t mean the competition is any less intense.” 

  
“You won both of your grand prix events. You can do this.” 

“I’m just happy if I get on the podium.” He flops down on his bed, his hair whooshing around him in an appropriately dramatic fashion. 

“I think you can get gold, I believe in you.” 

“I think I’m going to skate out there and literally fall flat on my face if I’m being honest.” 

I hear the sound of a door opening a closing, of a bag being set down, of feet shuffling gently toward Nathan in the hotel room. 

“Is he brooding again already?” Ada m inquires with a smile, stealing the phone away from Nathan with force. 

  
“Yes.” I reply at the same time that Nathan disagrees with me. 

“You are so broody” he smiles at the worn out boy with a roll of his expressive eyes.

Nathan’s mouth turns down at the ends before his eyes light back up, “Vincents the one who writes poetry,” he says with a mischievous smirk on his face.  

“Oh yes, Vincent’s illusive poetry.” Adam says with an eyebrow raise, “What do you write about?” 

I can tell what he’s doing. I can tell where he’s going. I can tell where he’s trying to lead the direction of this conversation. 

But I won’t let him. 

“Just life.” I reply simply, “Things. Skating. Stuff like that.” 

My response makes Adam sigh, he glances at Nathan for a second before looking back at me and widening his eyes. If he’s trying to tell me something, I once again have no idea what it is. 

“We need to get to bed,” Nathan says as he pries the phone from Adam’s reluctant hands. “Bye, Vincent.” 

“Goodnight, Nathan” 

I hear Adam start to say something to Nathan, can barely make out my name before the line goes dead. 

Nathan was, as always, wondrous in his short program during the Grand Prix Final. He’s dramatic, graceful, beautiful. Everything he needs to be on the ice. 

\---

**Vincent:**

QUAD

This is just getting repetitive. 

You always land quads. I know that. 

But still, that was a damn good short. 

You did damn good, Nathan.

\---

**Nathan:**

I did do damn good, didn’t I.

Thanks, Vincent.

* * *

 

“Are you asleep?” Nathan asks frantically when I answer the phone a few hours later. 

“It’s like 8 in the morning here, Nathan. I’m not asleep. I’m getting ready to head to the rink.” 

“Did you watch?” He sounds like a kid on christmas, like the idea of me watching him skating is the most amazing thing in the world. 

“I did, you did amazing.” It’s true, he pretty much was the most amazing thing in the world. 

  
“I just feel so much better now. Like I can actually do this.” His voice is so energetic, even though he’s done so much today.

“You _ can _ do it, Nathan. You’ve always been able to do it. You can do anything.” 

“You sound like a life coach.” He says sarcastically, but he isn’t bitter. He’s laughing. 

“I practically am your life coach with the amount that I talk you down from disaster after competitions.” I joke, making sure to keep the joyous, lighthearted tone in my voice so he knows I’m kidding. I’m so happy to be able to be here for him, even in those moments- especially in those moments. 

“I mean, if figure skating doesn’t work out.” 

“Then I have a career as your life coach?” 

“Exactly, that’s exactly what I want.” 

* * *

It’s mid-morning when my phone rings again, this time while I’m at the rink. Karen sends a knowing smile to me as I skate toward it hastily.

“Nathan, what’s wrong? Doesn’t the competition start soon?” 

“Yeah, it does. I’m just...hiding.” His voice is quiet and I can picture him now, just hiding out in a nook in the area, his voice quiet so people don’t suspect the leader after the short to be hiding from his coach...and his responsibilities. 

“You’re hiding? Nathan Wei Chen, why the hell are you hiding”

“I’m scared.” 

“There are no spiders at the grand prix final, Nathan.”

“There is ice. That I could fall on.” His voice makes it clear to me that this isn’t a joking matter. This isn’t something I can distract from with a good laugh. This is real, this is genuine.

“You won’t fall Nathan.” 

“Bu what if I do?” He asks in a rushed voice, the anxiety making his words come out faster and faster. 

“Nathan, listen to me. Everything will be fine. Just go out there and skate your best. Leave it all on the ice. You can do this, trust me.” I heard someone calling out to him, the noise sounding like Raf in search of his nervous skater. “Go, Nathan. You can do this.” 

* * *

It doesn’t surprise me at all that he does this. I’m amazed as I watch him, my heart ready to lurch out of my throat. He’s amazing. He’s beautiful.

He’s the Grand Prix Final champion. 

His facetime comes in late his time and I answer it happily, the smile on my face only matched by the smile on his.    
“I can’t believe that happened. I can’t believe I did that.” 

“You were amazing, Nathan.” 

“I just can’t believe I did that.” He dreamily looked at the gold medal in his hand, the ribbon was still around his neck. He looked like a kid on Christmas. 

“You’re still wearing the gold medal. It doesn’t get more real than that.” 

“I just can’t believe it. I can’t believe how lucky I am.”

“It’s not luck, you worked so hard to get here. You deserve this so much.” 

“I’m lucky to have you on my side though. I don’t know how I could handle the stress without you.” 

  
“I’m always here for you.” I say again, hoping that eventually, he’ll start to understand that when I say this, I truly mean it. Always. Forever. As long as he’ll have me. 

“I know you are.” his voice is so much more serious now as he meets my eyes through the phone, “I’m always here for you too Vincent.”

I can’t help my face from lighting up, from showing everything I’m feeling on it like my emotions are painted on a canvas. Nathan smiles right back at me, his face brighter than the sun. 

If he can see how in love with him I am, he doesn’t say it. 


	11. Walk on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vincent's visit to Nathan brings them a little closer.

Nationals is looming over my head, the fate of my career riding on seven minutes on home ice. Literal home ice, since 2018 Nationals is taking place in my hometown. It was bittersweet. If I succeed in making the team, I’ll have that forever. I’ll be on home ice when I’m presented to the country as a member of the Olympic team during the exhibition. If I fail, if everything goes wrong, I’ll have to associate that heartbreak with my own home. 

I try to push the stress out of my head, concentrated on nailing my jumps today. I have one week until I leave for nationals.One week until my life changes for good. 

One week and two days until I get to see Nathan again. 

The thought sends an excited shiver up my spine. I get to see Nathan again. It felt like forever since I had gotten to lay my eyes on his perfect face. Facetime wasn’t a good enough replacement for the real thing, especially not when it came to Nathan Chen.

“Do you have plans on Tuesday?” My coach takes me out of my Nathan bubble and back to the ice, back to practice. I have to think a second before I answer, both unsure of the words she said and my plans for that given day. 

“I don’t think so, why?” 

“Your new costume for your free skate is ready, but I don’t have time to pick it up. It would be a huge relief if you could do it.” Her voice sounded ragged at the ends, more frazzled than usual by the proximity of nationals and the Olympics. For everything she had done for me, I would give her a kidney if she needed it. 

“Of course I can help out, where do I need to drive?” 

“Long Beach in Los Angeles.”    


\---

**Vincent:**

I’m going to be in Long Beach on Tuesday. 

In case you, you know, want to hang out or something.    
I’m just picking up my new costume and then I’m free.

\---

**Nathan:**

I’ll be on the ice until noon, how about we get lunch after?

\---

**Vincent** : 

Dumb question: 

Can we hit the beach?

I don’t really care for swimming, but I love the ocean.

\---

**Nathan:**

Of course!

I’ll take you to my favorite beach. 

Can you longboard? 

Who am I kidding, of course you can’t. 

I’ll teach you during the offseason. 

**\---**

**Vincent:**

I have never had the desire to longboard. 

You don’t change that.

\---

**Nathan:**

We’ll see. 

* * *

I’m blasting the radio as I drive my car to LA, navigated the traffic eagerly as I count down the minutes until I get to see him. I’m swinging by the store to grab the new costume, which had been already fitted to me and then picking up Nathan from the rink.

From that point, it’s up to him.

I’m practically shaking with anticipation as I pick up the new costume, taking a quick look to make sure there was no mix up before I hung it in my car. 

Then, I’m off to the rink to see Nathan. The traffic causes the drive to be longer than I wanted it to be, so I’m practically jumping out of my seat with excitement when I’m finally pulled into Lakewood Ice. The rink is hidden away, invisible to the untrained eye. If you weren’t looking for it, you probably wouldn’t find it. 

Skaters were trailing out of the rink slowly, with skate bags and tired eyes. I waved at the few I knew, like Mariah and Ashley. 

“Well look at that, Vincent’s here to visit his boyfriend.” I turned around to see Adam beaming at me through my open window. 

“He’s not my boyfriend.” I shook my head with a smile, trying not to let myself be disappointed by the statement I just said. 

“Yet” he sang to me. 

I roll my eyes at him, feeling his comments causing me to blush. 

“He was talking to Raf when I left, he might be a few minutes.” 

“Of course,” I replied with a laugh. Nathan and Raf were constantly in cahoots, the latter making the former constantly push the limits of both himself and the sport.    
“Are you going to tell him how you feel today?” 

“Why would I do that?” It’d be awful. I couldn’t afford a broken heart with nationals coming up. Especially if nationals go the way I want them to go, with the Olympics and worlds to follow and Nathan being constantly in my life. My feelings were best kept to myself. Adam’s eyes soften as he shakes  his head at me. 

  
“Because-” 

“Vincent!” Nathan called out my name the moment he walked out of the rink. He’s wearing basketball shorts and a Utah Jazz shirt- a normal Nathan outfit that for some reason causes my heart to flutter. “Sorry, I got distracted talking to Raf about stuff. Ready for the beach?” 

“Yeah, I’m ready.” 

* * *

“Just park over here-” Nathan instructed me suddenly, pointed toward a lot a block or two from the beach. “It’s the closest parking we’re going to get.”

I laugh as I pull the car into the lot carefully, self-conscious of my parking ability as I directed the car into a narrow spot.    
The beach was quiet today. It was a random Tuesday in the middle of winter, so I expected it to be less crowded than usual. It gave me and Nathan some privacy as we meandered around the beach.

“Are you hungry?” I asked him, realizing that he had spent the morning skating and was probably starving by now. 

“Always, dude. I am always hungry.” He smiled at me, then shifted our direction and suddenly stopped in front of a small diner. “Wanna eat here? It’s one of my favorite places. The burgers are hands down the best I’ve ever had.” 

“I like burgers,” I reply dumbly, distracted by the smile on his face as he grabs my hand and drags me into the restaurant. The hostess smiles at him, taking in his beautiful appearance with hungry eyes. It causes a pang of jealousy to surge through my body, even though I know that I have nothing to be jealous of. Nathan’s not mine, he never will be. In my envy, I missed the fact that he had ordered for us- something with fries and a coke for him and the same for me. 

  
“Vincent?” Nathan’s voice interrupts my thoughts, pulling me back to Earth, “Where’s your head?” 

“Just worried about nationals,” I lie. I’m not sure Nathan entirely buys it, but he comforts me anyway.

“You’ll be fine, just focus on the skating and the rest will fall into place.” 

“Easy for you to say, you’re the only man guaranteed a spot on the Olympic team.”

“But then I have to go to the Olympics and everyone thinks I’m going to win.” There was sadness in his voice, like he didn’t believe he was going to do well no matter how many people told him otherwise.    
“You’ll be fine, you’re Nathan Chen.”    
“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You’re, like, a skating prodigy. You’re perfect.” 

“I’m not perfect. I’m just me.” He blushed as he replied, running a hand through his hair before meeting my eyes, “You’re just as good a skater as me, Vincent. You just get so in your head about it and convince yourself that you’re not. Once you figure out how to leave it all on the ice, you’re going to be one of the best in the world.”

“Nathan-” 

“I’m serious. I’m so tired of hearing you being so down on yourself, you’re amazing-” He stopped talking when the waitress came over, another young girl under the charm of Nathan’s smile. Once the food is in front of us we fall under a hush, both of us consuming the burgers and concentrating on nothing else. 

  
“Thanks,” I mumble later, once the meal has been consumed and the drinks are mostly watered down. “For yelling at me a little, it was nice.” 

“I mean it.”

* * *

I plop my butt down in the sand, Nathan sitting down next to me more gracefully. 

  
“I just love staring at it,” I admit to him as I stare out at the water in front of me. “It’s so beautiful.” 

  
“I know what you’re talking about, it’s so relaxing. I feel like I kind of take it for granted sometimes.” 

“I get that,” I reply, letting a silence fall over us for a few minutes. It’s just us and the waves on the quiet beach, with the quiet voices of the light crowds of people serving as nothing more than background noise. 

“Did you ever tell that girl about your feelings?” Nathan asks me suddenly.  _ It’s you _ , I want to say,  _ It’s you and it’s always been you and sometimes I think it’s always going to be you.  _

“No,” I answer quietly, trying to figure out if I want to use this moment to tell him the truth. Instead, I opt for another version of the truth. My voice is almost inaudible and I’m scared the words coming out my mouth will cause a rift to form between us. “It’s not a girl.” 

  
“It’s not?” His voice sounds almost excited as he turns to me, “It’s a...you’re…” ‘

“I think I’m gay.” I admit, a single tear rolls down my cheek and causes me to realize how much it means to be able to tell him this, “I think I might be in love with a boy.” 


	12. Through a Red Parade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan knows Vincent is gay but does he care?

He just sits there for a moment, letting my confession soak in. I’m scared, scared that he’ll think I’m gross, that he won’t want to be my friend anymore, that he’ll tell me not to text him anymore, that he’ll re-evaluate every other moment of our friendship prior to this and know who I’m talking about when I say that I think I’m in love with a boy. 

“Cool” he nods to me before turning his attention back to the ocean in front of us. 

  
“Yeah,” I reply, trying to wrap my head around how casual he’s being after I’ve just bared my soul to him, “cool.” 

“So have you told the guy yet?” He asks me with raised eyebrows. 

“God no,” I say a little to fast, causing him to giggle at me, “There’s no way they’d feel the same way, I’m good without having that kind of humiliation in my life.”    
“You never know until you tell them” He says to me kindly. 

“No, I know,” I reply confidently, “he’s pretty straight.” 

  
“Maybe, but you could also not know.” he sighs, as if he’s trying to figure out the best ways to try to raise my self-esteem, “Not everyone is at out and proud as Adam. Adam wasn’t even as out and proud as Adam for the longest time.” 

  
“Even if they were gay, or bi, or somehow interested in boys- I don’t think they’d be interested in me.” I shook my head, meeting his eyes for a second before looking away. I’m scared that if I look in his eyes for a second longer, he’ll be able to see right through me. 

“Anyone would be lucky to be with you, Vincent.” He told me, his voice sounding almost said for a second before he smiled at me, making the entire beach brighter. “I mean seriously, you’re awesome. You’re Vincent Zhou, who wouldn’t want to be with you?” 

* * *

“I told him I was gay, Karen,” I say the moment she answers her phone. I can hear her squeal on the other side of the line, then hear her moving to a better location to talk to me.

“What did he say back? Does he love you? Can I officiate your wedding.”

“You’re getting a little ahead of yourself.” I giggled at her enthusiasm. Sometimes it feels like she and Adam want this relationship more than I do. But then again, neither of them are in love with Nathan, so probably not. 

“Right, I’ll save that for when you two get together. What did he say?”

“He said cool.”

“He said cool?” She repeats the statement to me back as a question, her voice incredulous as he tries to figure everything out. 

“Okay, he said more after the cool. But his initial response was just to say cool.” I explain quickly, hearing her sigh on the other end that she gets more details than just one word. 

“What more did he say?” 

  
“Well, he said that I should tell the guy how I felt-” 

  
“You should.” She interrupted me, I could practically hear the smile on her face. 

  
“And that anyone would be lucky to be with me-” 

“They would.” She talked over me again, her voice louder and more excited this time. 

“Karen, he’s straight.” 

“You never know. I thought you were straight until you started being all ridiculously in love with him.” 

“Yeah but...I don’t know.” 

“Just tell him. You can even wait until after the season ends so you don’t have to stress out about it affecting how either of you skate at competitions. But you have to tell him, Vincent. You’ll regret it if you don’t.” 

* * *

**Nathan:**

You’re being ridiculous again, btw. 

Just tell him how you feel.

**Vincent:**

It’s you.

_(unsent)_


	13. And refuse to make amends

I’m sitting in bed contemplating the unsent message that had been long deleted when Nathan calls me, the noise coming from my phone startling me as I go to accept his chat. He’s video calling me, for some reason, but I’ll take any reason to see his beautiful face. 

“Are you flying to San Jose?” He asks without even greeting me. 

“Hi, Nathan.”   
“Just answer the question.” 

“Yes, I’m flying to nationals, I’m not driving there. That’s just wasted time in this state.”   
“Good, good.” 

“Why?” 

“What flight?” He asked, causing me to sigh and roll my eyes. 

“I have no idea, Nathan, that requires a lot more moving that I’m prepared to do right now.” I tell him honestly, “But it leaves at, like, 2:30. Does that help.” 

“More than you know,” he says with a smirk on his face. I can just about guess what he’s about to say next, “I’m on the same flight as you!” 

I can’t hide the smile as it spreads across my face and I hope he doesn’t look far enough at me to see that it’s coming from a source of love and not just happiness. “What seat are you in?” 

“Uh, let me check.” He says, rummaging through his room for a second before finding what he was looking for, “23A.” 

“Interesting.” I say, a smile on my face that I can’t even bother hiding. “I’m 23B. What are the odds?” 

“I thought Adam would be sitting next to me.” Nathan answers honestly, “but he usually just likes to watch bad reality TV shows. I’m much more happy that it’s you.” 

“Is he on the flight too?” I ask, hoping he would think it was out of curiosity and not the fear that Adam would expose the massive crush I had on Nathan. 

“All of Team Raf is, I mean, at least the ones going to Nationals.”

“All of the Riverside skaters are too.” 

“So I get to hang out with Karen?” He asks gleefully, causing my heart to spasm. What if he had a crush on Karen and not me? 

“Yeah, she’s probably sitting near us.” 

“Good, good. I miss that girl. She’s like my sister.” 

“Oh, yeah,” I say, relief flooding my body, “The whole 2 Chen’s thing.” 

“Yeah.” He says, voice sounding slightly more distant now. 

“I should probably get going, I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow.” 

* * *

Vincent:

He’s on our flight. 

Karen:

HE? THE HE? 

**Vincent:**

The one only. 

**Karen:**

Oooooh

**Vincent:**

This is bad. 

He’s sitting next to me. 

**Karen:**

You can hold his hand if you get scared. 

**Vincent:**

You’re the least helpful person in the world, you know that? 

**Karen:**

What can I say? I ship it. 

* * *

“Do you have everything you need?” My mother asks me again, her arms embracing me at the airport drop off location. She’s flying up once the competition starts so she can see me perform-and hopefully not flop on a national stage. My Olympic dream feels like it’s within reach. If I can follow up my silver medal from last year with another one- or even the gold, in the extreme circumstance that Nathan falters- I might be able to make it come true. 

“I have everything, mom, I promise,” I reassure her for what feels like the tenth time today. 

“Text me when you touch down” 

“I know, mom.” 

“And when you get registered and checked in at the hotel.” 

“I know, mom,” I repeat. I’m barely registering the words at this point, just letting them pass through my head and nodding. This isn’t my first time flying alone. I can go through the motions of this with ease while my brain focuses on Nathan. 

I fly through the security line and spot him in the lounge area, waiting quietly with his eyes focused on his phone. He’s sporting his usual look- all black, mostly nike with a smirk on his face that lights up his eyes. He waves at me the moment he spots me, frantically telling me with his gestures to come sit next to him. 

“Hey, guess we’re the two early birds today,” he sighs as I plop down beside him, taking the seat directly to his left without even thinking about it, “mom drop you off?” 

“Yeah, she’s alarmingly punctual.” 

“Better than being late.” He shrugs, checking his phone again, eyes focused on the screen in front of him.   
“You obviously haven’t gotten to the airport six hours early before.” 

This comment makes his eyes shift to me, wide in disbelief, biting his lip to laugh at me. I shake my head, accepting the comfortable silence between us as I take out my own phone. I scroll mindlessly through social media, paying almost no attention to the words as they 

“How are you with flying?” He asks suddenly, his phone turned off, facing down in his lap, attention on me one hundred percent. 

“Uh, okay. This lift lends itself to flying across oceans for competitions so I don’t really have a choice.” 

“Cool.” he responds, a weary edge in his voice that wasn’t before, “I hate taking off. And landing. I’m fine once the plane is actually in the air, but getting there and getting down are just the worst.” There’s a nervousness in his voice as he speaks, 

“So you would rather travel by UFO?” the joke causes his nerves to break, a smile shining through, “The flight will be over before you know it, and then comes the fun part.” 

“The airport?”

“The competition, Nathan. Olympic team selections. It’s all terrifying, but you have to admit that, as a literal lock for the Olympic team, you’re excited.” 

“Yeah, I guess I have a few exciting things planned this week,’ he jokes before Karen spots us, excitement radiating off of her as she walks toward us, suitcase and backpack in hand. 


	14. It cuts deep through our ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plane ride and a surprise movie showing. 
> 
> *This chapter does contain Moulin Rouge spoilers*

As the plane takes off, Nathan’s shoulder tense. His breathe is choppy, like he forgot how to simply inhale and exhale. He needs something to steady himself, needs to calm himself down if he wants to survive this flight. 

“You good?” I whisper, not wanting to alarm the skaters around us, Mariah listening to music quietly in a row all to herself, Karen curled up beside her with a book in her lap while Ashley and Adam gabbing away while watching something together. 

“I’m fine,” Nathan says, his breath still uneven, unlike I had ever seen him before, “everyone has something. That one thing they can do dozens of time that still makes their blood turn into ice. It just so happens that planes not cruising is my thing.” 

“You’re going to be fine,” I say, unable to think of words to say to him, wracking my brain for the phrases my psychologist told me to use on myself in situations like this, “just breathe, think about something else.”

“How are things going with that boy,” Nathan asks, resting his head on the seat and pointing his eyes upward, “tell me about him, tell me a story, anything.” 

“Things aren’t going with that boy at all,” I admit, “I can almost guarantee you have a more exciting love life than I do. Heck, a 2 by 4 has a more excited love life that I do.” 

“Oh please, you haven’t seen them or talked to them? Tell me something about them, anything?” he pleads, turning his head so his eyes meet mine. There’s desperation in them, a fear I have never seen before, something that I can feel in my core that I never want to feel again, “I don’t have a life outside of that rink, amuse me.” 

“I’ve seen him, we’ve talked, there’s just nothing there,” I try my best to veil the emotion threatening to spill out, “Eventually I’m going to have to move on, he’ll probably get a girlfriend of something and everything will go back to before.” 

“Is that really better?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, “what’s that saying about loving and losing?”

“But I’m already losing, nothing can be more painful than this.” 

“I’m sorry, V,” he lowers his voice more, despite the fact that we were already whispering to each other.

“You have nothing to be sorry-” 

_ The plane has now reached cruising altitude. _

Nathan lets out a breath, deep enough that he must have been holding it since we left land. Adam turns around suddenly, checking out the boy beside me for signs of emotional distress before deciding he was good enough and moving his gaze to me. He rolled his eyes, turning back to Ashley and mumbling something about children before turning their show back on. 

“Not just do that again when the plane lands,” he smiles at me, “you want to watch a movie or something? I have a few good options downloaded on my computer?” 

“Oh yeah? Like what?” 

“Avengers, the first Harry Potter, Moulin Rouge.” 

“Do you even have to ask?” 

He giggles as he turns on his computer, flicking through the movie options with his mouse before landing on it. It gives me butterflies to think he downloaded this for me, after having watched the free skate where he was constantly on my mind this entire season. It both warms and breaks my heart to think of him thinking up movie selections before settling on this one, to think of him thinking of me while thinking about a movie about love. 

I knew I was overanalyzing the moment, but Nathan’s eyes flicked to my side when Christian rambled on about romance. 

* * *

“SHE DIED”

“Nathan, I don’t understand how you didn’t know this. Was I being too happy in my portray?” 

“BUT SHE DIED? That’s so not fair.” 

“Neither is life. Sometimes you’re just not meant to be with the people we love most, sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes you walk into a building in Paris, fall in love with a courtesan who’s engaged to someone else, and it messes up your life.”   
“I think that last part only happens in movies,” he laughs, still exasperated with the movie, “or, just that movie.”

“I was trying to make a point.” 

“Yeah, yeah, love sucks, we get it.” 

“That’s totally not the point of that movie. They were so blissfully happy for five minutes there.” 

“But then it all came crashing down, was it really worth all that pain?” 

“Of course!” I throw my arms up, more exasperated with him than the movie,  “Love like that is worth everything.” 

_ The plane has begun it’s descent _

His tense shoulders returned and I had to fight the urge to reach out and rub my hands against them, settling for placing my fingers on top of his, the calm that overtakes his body when my palm touches the back of his hand not lost on me. “We’re almost on the ground. It’s almost over.” 

“Are you kidding? It’s only just begun.”


	15. and makes us forget all common sense.

“Can you believe they put us in the same room together  _ again _ ?” Nathan is ecstatic as he lugs his bags up to our hotel room, the elevator ride smooth as our voices echo throughout it, “they should know better by now. They can’t keep promoting us as rivals and keep rooming us together, it makes no sense.” 

“Does anything they do make sense?” 

“You’re right,” he dismisses the subject as the door opened onto our floor, both of us struggling to lug our bags behind us, the carpet proving to be an obstacle for the wheels of my suitcase. 

“This is our stop,” Nathan beams at me as he abruptly stops in front of one room. The two twin beds were in the middle of the room, a table between them with a lamp on either side. It was a standard hotel room, just like the others I had shared with Nathan over the past season. 

“Bed by the window or by the door?” He askes, interrupting my train of thought, “I’m fine with either.” 

“I’ll take window then,” I respond, tugging my bags behind me and flopping down on the mattress. It isn’t lumpy enough to be uncomfortable, but not soft enough to be nice. It isn’t perfect, but it will do for a week. “So what’s it like being the overwhelming favorite?” 

“Terrifying” Nathan admits, without pausing for a second to think. All humor is gone from his voice, replaced with something that I can’t decode, “I should be happy or excited that everyone expects me to win without so much as a challenge to my title, but I’m just so scared.” 

“Why?” 

“What if I fail them? What if I”m not good enough? What if I fall? There are a thousand things that could go wrong, and everyone already has me on the Olympic podium.”

“So you’re not worried about nationals, you’re worried about the Olympics?” I can’t follow his thinking, lost in his words as I try to understand them. 

“I’m worried about everything. Even besides me, I’m worried about Adam and Jason and You, one of you is going to have your heart broken by these selections and I don’t know who.”

“Yeah…” I sighed, “but you can’t think about that. You have to think about you. Worry about your own performances and everything will come together.” 

“I can’t not worry, especially about you-” he stops himself short, running his fingers through his now absent curls, taking a second to regroup and find his words, “you deserve to go to those Olympics as much as anyone.” 

“But that’s for me to worry about. You just need to focus on putting out the best programs you can.” 

“Just as long as you do the same.” 

* * *

Practices flew by that week, and I found myself in the warm-up beside Nathan before I knew it. He is jumping away despite the cold, his landings sloppy but far above what anyone else was capable of, hiding his illness behind a look of sheer determination.

I’m not as composed, my nerves finding me despite my best effort to fend them off, worse landing on the few jumps I was landing in practice. I had underperformed the entire season, why did I expect Nationals to be any different? As my coaches talked to me, none of their words resonated. I’m lost inside my head with no hopes of being pulled out. 

“You okay?” Tammy asks when I finally take my skates off, carefully carrying my bag back to the shuttle, “you seem off kilter.” 

“Just nervous,” I admit, hiding anything that might give me away, “I’ll be fine.”

When the shuttle finally drops me off in front of the hotel, my thoughts are begging to be spilled onto the page, words about Nathan and the Olympics and the heartbreak and the pressure mixing together to create a lethal combination, threatening to explode at any minute. 

My fingers find the journal within seconds of the door closing, sitting down in a chair by the window to write my feelings away. 

I let it all out, the way it felt to talk to him about love on the plane, the way his hand felt on mine in that moment when we too scared to care about what it meant, the smile on his face when he found out we were rooming together, the stress of being here with the expectations weighing on my shoulder like this. Everything found its way onto the page as I needed it to, everything came out of my head and onto paper. 

“-m, I’m fine,” Nathan says into the phone as he enters the room. Either he expected it to be empty or he expected this call to be over by now, and the frustrated look on his face tells me it’s the latter, “it’s just a cold, it’s not an injury or something.” 

He rolls his eyes when he looks at me, flopping down on his bed with his entire body, “Yeah, I’ll get some rest- yes I’m eating healthily- I’m with Vincent- yeah I know- okay bye- yeah I’ll call you tomorrow- love you- bye.” he lets out a groan as he throws his phone lightly, the thud on the floor from it being heaved off the bed louder than him.   
“What’s up?”  
“Everyone is acting like this cold is the end of the world. It’s just one thing, I’m not going to withdrawal from this competition, I just wish people would understand that.”

“They’re just worried about you,” I say as I shove the journal back in its place, knowing that the last thing either of us need right now is the distraction of secrets coming out. 

“Yeah, but you’re worried about me and you’re not being so uptight about it,” there’s something in his face that tells me pressing this side of the conversation wouldn’t be best, that he needs someone to understand him not sympathize with them. I can see why Nathan’s family and coaches were concerned, skating on a sickness is never great, but especially not with the Olympics coming closer.

“I understand why you need to skate,” 

“I know,” his voice is softer now, “You always understand me.”

* * *

“So how was the plane ride?” Karen asks in practice the next day, once we reached the other side of the rink away from the prying eyes of Tammy. This is probably our only practice together, one of the last times we can talk before our week of hell begins.

“We watched Moulin Rouge. I had to watch a movie about star-crossed lovers next to him.”

“That’s fitting.” 


	16. Don’t speak as I try to leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nationals are winding down, Olympic teams are being selected.

> It refreshing to skate before him, to be able to watch his performance worry free from backstage. In the moment though, I have all that worry inside of me. My short program is quickly approached as I stand backstage, waiting for Tammy to find me when it’s time. Nathan rounds the corned I’m hiding behind, almost slamming into me in the process. 
> 
> “Thank god, I was looking for you,” he smiles,  helping the stress melt from my body “I wanted to see you before you skated.” 
> 
> “Why?”
> 
> “To wish you luck, to tell you to breathe, because I care about you, because seeing you helps anchor me and I’m selfish,” his words are falling out of his mouth faster than he can think, hanging in the air between us.   
>  “Thanks,” I say simply as I lean against the wall, the hard surface on my back both good and bad, “I’m stupid nervous right now. I wasn’t this nervous last year.” 
> 
> “Last year wasn’t an Olympic year,” the sympathy is evident in his eyes as he stands in front of me, somehow too close and not close enough, “this year means a lot, but it doesn’t mean you can skate any differently. You’re a strong skater, you just need to leave it all out there. Just let your mind take over and focus on the song. What’s Chasing cars about anyway?”   
>  “Love,” I answer quickly and quietly, my face reddening as we approach the topic.
> 
> “Of course it is,” he jokes, his eyes staring into mine, “so think about him.” 
> 
> “I’m always thinking about him, maybe no consciously, but he’s always there.” 
> 
> Something shifts in Nathan’s face, a melancholy smile as he looks at me, “so skate your programs like they’re a proclamation of love, like you know he’s watching so you’re making sure he can’t take his eyes off you.” 
> 
> “Got it.” 
> 
> It wasn’t the grand program that it was supposed to be. It was sloppy, leaving me in a dismal 5th pace after the short program. Nathan was, of course, in the lead, his program solid despite a tight landing on a quad and a flubbed but rotated triple axel. The style of his program was perfect, cool and modern like him, proving to the entire world once again that he was the future of figure skating. 
> 
> “That sucked,” he says when he finally makes his way to the room, falling face first onto the bed, “For me, not you.”
> 
> “Oh please, you’re still in the lead, I’m the one all the way down in 5th place right now.” 
> 
> “You were great, your program was beautiful, that one fall messed you up though. You can more than make up for it in the free.” 
> 
> “We are not triple axel people, huh?” I laugh, his kind words easing the stress on me just a bit. 
> 
> “Definitely not.”
> 
> “But your artistry was on point, I guess thinking about him helped?” 
> 
> “I thought love was supposed to make you fly, not fall.” I muttered 
> 
> * * *
> 
> I run my hand through my hair, making a mental note to myself that I should get a haircut before the Olympics. If I make the Olympic team, I think to myself after a beat. I physically cringe at myself. I don’t have time to think about this. I don’t have time to think like that. I just have to focus on one thing: my free skate. After the iffy short program, I need this. I need this program to be everything.
> 
> Perform well at Nationals, get on the podium. Get on the podium, go to the Olympics. From there, there are several other medals until 2022, where I’m determine to be a medal contender, if not standing on the top of the podium. I have a plan. I have goals. I have to reach them. If I don’t, then what was all of this for? 
> 
> _ “From the skating club of San Francisco, Vincent Zhou.”  _
> 
> As Ewan McGregor wanes on about love as I skate, I do what I always do while I skate this program: rely on autopilot. This program is ingrained in my muscles, my body knowing the movement well enough that I could skate it in my sleep. I can let myself feel the emotions. This is one of the only times I can let myself be real about my feelings for him, the only time I can let myself explore the whole of my love for him, that’s strong enough even without being able to share it with him. 
> 
> I land my jumps to the best of my ability. I can feel the pressure lift off my shoulders for a second. For a moment, I’m not thinking about making the olympic team or placing on the podium. I just put out an amazing free skate. I put everything I could into it. It’s out my hands now.    
>    
> 
> 
> It’s late when I finally get the text. I’m half asleep, my eyes blurry as I read the text message. I think I’m dreaming. I think I’ve gone mad. I think I’m reading the words wrong in order to compensate for the pain of not making the team. 
> 
> “Mom,” I call out to her, waking her up from her nap on the chair in my hotel room. “Mom, can you read this for me? I can’t be reading this right.” 
> 
> She takes the phone from me, putting on her glasses before staring at the screen. When her face breaks into a smile that could rival the sun, I know that I’ve read the words right. 
> 
> “You did it.” She says to me in disbelief, staring at me with that smile. I can feel the pressure of making it lift off of me, replaced by a whole other type.
> 
> “I did it.” I repeated back to her, both of trying to understand the implications of this. 
> 
> “You’re going to Olympics” She jumps up, wraps her arms around me as proud tears spill out of her eyes. 
> 
> “I’m going to the Olympics.” I whisper as she hugs me even tighter. I can’t breathe, but it’s okay. 
> 
> I’m going to the Olympics. 
> 
> * * *
> 
> \---
> 
> **Nathan Chen:**
> 
> Dude talk to me 
> 
> Is it good news? Is it bad news? 
> 
> I will dropkick Samuel Auxier if it’s bad news. 
> 
> I will drop kick him, Vincent. You deserve this so much. 
> 
> VINCENT.
> 
> I WILL DROPKICK YOU IF YOU DON’T ANSWER ME BACK ASAP.
> 
> \---
> 
> **Vincent:**
> 
> Nathan chill. 
> 
> It’s good news. 
> 
> Stop being violent.
> 
> \---
> 
> **Nathan:**
> 
> Thank god. 


	17. Cause we both know what we’ll choose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> press conferences, burgers, the gala...and some drama.

The press conference flies by, Adam added hilarity to the blandness, the excitement tingling in my bones as the press focuses all of their attention on Nathan. He was a natural, despite the awkwardness he as prone too, his camera-ready face giving out the most perfect answers to their questions. 

“Back to the room or out to get food?” Nathan asks as we’re heading back to the hotel, “I could eat but any more social interaction today and I might keel over.” 

“Pick up food and then back to the room?” 

“This is why you’re the smart one.” 

“Didn’t you, like, apply to Yale? Aren’t you the smart one?” 

“You would think.” 

* * *

“It’s a good week for a cheat day,” Nathan says as he sits down beside me on the bed, smashed up against my shoulder as he lays the food out in front of us. Fries to the left and tots on the right, our burgers on our laps still in their boxes.

“We deserve this,” I say as I take my burger in my hands, “especially since we have the gala tonight, right? We’ll work off all these calories then.”

“Yeah, that's totally how it works,” he agrees before taking a bite, “Don’t make fun of me when I forget all the steps during the group performances, by the way. I’m gonna be a hot mess.” 

“How is that different from usual?” 

“Fine, a hotter mess.”  

“There we go, that makes more sense.” 

* * *

The gala goes by smoothly, Nathan’s program leaving me speechless as I watch from backstage. Nemesis had been calm and collected, an aura of cool over him. No good wasn’t holding anything back, he was having fun and looking great while doing it. The tee shirt and jeans looking somewhat unusual on the athleisure clad boy but he made it work.

“So, what did you think? Did you hate it? Was it too much?” 

“It was….uh...it was great,” I reply, stuttered as I try to find the right words, unable to meet his eyes. That program wasn’t just great, it was amazing, it was special, it was everything, “seriously good.” 

“You hated it.” 

“No, Nathan, I-” 

“Guys, it’s time for the Olympic team presentation,” Adam calls out to us, interrupting our moment just in time. How was I going to explain to him that it wasn’t too much, that it was a great program, that I just have trouble stringing a sentence together right now because of how great he looked? 

We rushed out to the area together, huddled together with the rest of the team. Maia struck up a conversation with Nathan before I could apologize to him, so I used the moment alone to catch my breath and look around. The stands were packed, my parents were in there somewhere, watching and waiting for the moment I was officially announced. 

_ “Vincent Zhou” _

I skate out, trying hard to keep from bursting with pride. The applause was louder than anything I had ever heard, more eyes and expectations on me than in my entire career before. I go through the motions before skating off to the side, watching as the others take to center ice. Finally, appropriately last, Nathan comes out, staying in his spot as we start the block skate around the rink. 

From behind, I can tell that something is bothering him. It’s in the slump in his shoulders and the slowness of his movements, unnoticeable to those who don’t spend hours with him. 

“What did you do to him?” Adam whispers as he comes up behind me. 

“It’s kind of a long story,” I explain, not wanting to delve into the details, especially when we’re performing. 

“Well, fix it. I haven’t seen him this moody since Skate America.” 

“I’m trying.” 

* * *

“Nathan, wait-” I call out to him when we finally reached our room, breaking the silence that had taken over since we had gotten off the shuttle.

“You didn’t like my program, it’s fine, you don’t have to explain,” he tries to brush off the subject, throwing down his bag and rummaging through his suitcase. 

“It’s not that I didn’t like them, it’s just-” 

“Just what?” He shoots me a glare as I catch my breath.   
“Fuck, Nathan, you know I’m gay, right? You remember that small thing?” I admit, my face reddening as he angrily rips off his black shirt, pulling on an old tee with fading letters. 

“Of course I remember, what does that have to-” he pauses, realization settling in, “Oh.”

“Yeah,” I laugh awkwardly, afraid I’ve said too much, afraid he’s thinking of running. 

“You thought I was hot?” he tilts his head, smiles through the blush on his cheeks. 

“Of course I did, you can’t possibly be surprised by that. I mean, look at you!”

“You just always seemed so intellectual and above it all, I didn’t think you could get so flustered over something like this.” 

“I’m never going to hear the end of this, am I?” 

“That depends on one thing.” 

“What?”  
“That guy,” he nods his, a mischievous look on his face, “ does he make you feel like this?”

He doesn’t know what he’s stepping into, doesn’t know the details of my attraction, doesn’t know what door he’s opening right now. 

“Nathan-” 

“What?” He chuckles, and I can’t stop the words from falling out of my mouth when I hear that beautiful noise. 

“That guy is you.” 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things can't be taken back, some words stay with you, some moments forever

“Me?” Nathan asks in confusion, “you’re...in love with me?” 

“I don’t know, I’m not sure, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you,” the words come rushing out, trying to cover my track. But I can’t take the words back, they’re already out there. He stares at me for a few seconds, unblinking, expressionless, frozen on the spot. Whwn I can’t handle it anymore, I grab my phone and my journal and rush past him. 

“No, Vince, stop-” he grabs my wrist and stops me in my tracks, “How long?” 

“Since nationals last year, I don’t know how or why but when I watched you skate, I just...fell.” 

“This is why you freaked out that night when I fell asleep on you-” 

“Yeah” 

“And why you always escape to go write when we’re together for long periods of time?” 

“Yup.”

“You write about me,” his voice is softer now, his hand moving down my wrist to intertwine with my fingers. I nod, unable to focus on words when he was doing things like this. 

“Of course I do.” 

“What about me?” 

“About...you. Your skating, how much I want this friendship to stay, how much your phone calls and texts meant to me throughout the season, how much I loved to be one of the people you called when you won. About your hair and your eyes and the pain and the fun.”

“I caused you pain?” 

“Unrequited love is always pain, that’s just in the nature of it.” 

 

\---

**Nathan:**

I’m sorry

Vincent? 

Where are you? 

Please come back

Can we please talk? 

 

\---

 

“I told him,” I say the moment Karen opens her door, already in her pajamas, her glasses perched on her face, “I told him how I feel.” 

“So I’m guessing it didn’t go well based on you being, well, here?” 

“He asked me when I fell and I told him and he asked me what I write about and I said way too much, Karen, I mentioned his hair.”

“Okay, and what did he say after that?”   
“I didn’t give him a chance to say anything.” 

“You just walked away?” 

“I just walked away.” 

“Okay, rewind, tell me everything.” 

So I do, explaining the scenario in excruciating detail from beginning to end. She pays attention to every details, hanging on my words as I speak them. When I finally finish, she leans her head on my shoulder, a comforting hand rubbing on my back. 

“You have to talk to him.” 

“I know,” 

“But you can stay here tonight.” 

“Thank you.” 

 

\--

**Nathan:**

Are you okay? 

Where did you sleep last night? 

I’m worried about you. 

Please talk to me. 

Please. 

\---

 

It’s early the next morning when I slip back into the room, finding Nathan asleep on his bed, my clothes folded into my suitcase on mine. I could have grabbed in and ran, I could have made it so the next time I see him would be the Olympics. I could have done any number of things, but I took a seat in the chair. I grabbed my journal, and I wait for him. 

When he finally wakes up, it’s slow. His eyes opening to the room and staring at the ceiling, his fingers finding his phone and sighing when he puts it down, a small cuss word uttered shortly after. 

“You’re back.” 

“I stayed with Karen last night, I didn’t want to make anything weird.” 

“Rooming with you could never be weird. You’re my best friend…” 

“I’m your best friend who might be in love with you, it’s weird for you.” 

“Vincent…” 

“It’s fine, this is what I expected. We should put some distance between us so you can process and we can just forget about this.” 

“I don’t want to forget about this, that’s what I want to talk to you about.”

“What-” 

“I think I might like you and I didn’t realize it until you were talking about what you write about last night” 

“You don’t have to…” 

“I’m not doing anything on purpose,” he reaches his fingers under my chin, angling my head so my eyes met his, “I don’t think I fully realized it, but it’s always been there. It’s why I kept pushing about the person you liked and why you were my first call when I felt anything, from disappointment to happiness to anger.”

“You don’t have to like me out of pity, Nathan.” 

“This isn’t-” 

“I’m young but I can handle rejection-”

“Vincent…” he whispers as he inches closer to me, “just shut up.” 

He places his hand on my cheek, and I can’t help but lean into the comfortable touch, his fingers warm on my skin. 

“Is this okay?” 

I try to speak, but I’m breathless, afraid of breaking the moment, afraid my voice will make him jump back and reconsider the moment. I nod my head slowly, my eyes never leaving his until his lips meet mine. 

It’s a soft, gentle kiss, but it makes me feel like I’m floating, like any minute I’ll wake up from this dream. He pulls away reluctantly and I can’t help my mouth from following his, desperate to hang onto this moment. 

“I am so not straight,” he chuckled, our foreheads pressed together, savoring the moment. 


	19. and I'll fall right back to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our happy ending.

“Do you think it worked?” Karen asks Adam, “do you think they’re together now?” 

“I don’t know,” he sighs, “they’ve both been torturing themselves and each other for months, I sure hope so.” 

“If anyone deserves it, it’s them.” 

“I don’t understand how neither of them realized the other was falling until now,” she laughs, “they’re ridiculous,” 

“They’re stupid.”

* * *

 

\---

**Nathan:**

Thanks Adam. 

\---

_(to Karen)_

**Vincent:**

!!!!!!!!!!!  
*Firework emojis* 

* * *

 

They held up their phones to each other, smiles growing on their faces. 

“Finally,” they both said in unison. 

  
  



End file.
